Saturday, April 26, 2008

EEEEEKKKKKK!!! It's The Death Squard!

Is it just me or has spam email dropped to a poorer quality than usual? I'm sure that everyone has heard of this one, the Death Squad email. The premise is that someone has been hired to kill you and unless you pay the assassin a higher amount then BANG! you be dead. Ironically enough Dr Bronze and myself discussed this the other night and I advised him that it's bad business to approach the person you've been hired to kill. Why?

Simple economics. If Dr Bronze hires me to slay Chadwick for a sizable amount of money then the odds are good that I'll be getting further work from Bronze. So if I then approach Chadwick and get more cash out of him, well, no more work for me. It might be a large amount, but it's all a one-off. I'd rather have the steady employment, as distasteful as it might seem. So when you get one of these emails, have a read and then have a chuckle. In fact I'll share the one I got, from the DEATH SQUARD themselves. And that's not my typo, that's what these idiots are called. Perhaps they meant Death Squid?. All the spelling and grammar is intact, and at the end I'll share the best laugh of it all.

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Hello,

I am very sorry for you , is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply. As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don't have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.

Someone you call a friend wants you Dead by all means, and this person have spent a lot of money in this venture,This person came to us and told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with your name ,picture and other necessary information's we needed about you. So I sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation on you, and they have done that but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is important to you.I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you this mail my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE?Since all program ahs be made and draw to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your life, $12,000 is all you need to spend in this process you will first of all pay $8,000 then i will send a tape to you which i recorded every discusion i had with the person who wanted you dead and as soon as you get the tape, you will pay the remaining balance of $4,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up.

WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW,REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD! I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, INCASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT YOUR TELLING THE SECURITY ABOUT IT BECAUSE A GOOD LOOK IS OUT YOU AT MOMENT.

DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 7:PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF ALL DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION. GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY.Hope to hear from you in good faith.

Sincerely.

Mrs Mary Parker
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I adore the bit about the email being sent 'in good faith'. Something funny about me telling the security? What security? And I hope they weren't watching too closely the other week when I drank a bit more than usual. But that's not the funniest thing - this is: I got the email on Thursday and it was dated March the 1st. So that poor sap has been watching me all through the massive heatwave we had and now through the cold weather and still hasn't taken his shot. If I'd known I'd have taken him out a packet of Iced Vo-Vos and a glass of milk.

This line still kills me, metaphorically speaking. Despite stating, "As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don't have any business with you," the Squard then signs the email with a name and makes it clear that they desperately want to have business with me. I dunno, a confused assassin?

As for who wants me dead, damn, I can think of a few I'm sure. Oh well, no shortage of suspects, both here and abroad, but then the ones who want me dead don't know me at all, so that's one good reason to ignore this crap. The Three Stooges or the Ritz Brothers would have been more of a threat than Spider-Man's wife ever could be.

2 comments:

Dale said...

So ... um ... are you still with us, Danny or did you get rubbed out yet? :-)

I like that she was kind enough to give her name at the end. Mrs., eh? I wonder what her husband does for a living. Perhaps he doesn't know about her sideline business. A little moolah your way would help keep you from revealing such information to her husband, of course.

Always look to see how you can turn a negative into a positive, I say!

Foilwoman said...

Danny: Why would you want to knock of Chad? He's been so happy to be out of the Outback, he's stopped blogging (or maybe he's just avoiding some annoying online stalker types, like, er, me). I'm also very sorry to hear of your impending demise, especially by some nitwit who can't spell. Really. That's just insulting. And yeah, this isn't some reputable hitman. Your "friend" hired a spastic hitman for the job. I mean, what kind of respectable hitman uses a pseudonym like "Mrs. Mary Parker"*? My three-year old is nicknamed the "Deathinator" in a seriousness.** What's wrong with these people?


*Are they Spiderman fans who forgot she's Mary Jane? Do they think you care about your murderer's supposed marital status?

**Oh, here's a counter-offer for your clueless (and fictional) would-be killer: For less than $12,000, my daughters and I will fly to Oz and the Deathinator will sit on you. Trust me, that's it. Especially if we let her have a sippy cup of bright colored juice that she can spill all over you and get you so sticky and gross you'll want to die. Yup, I see my new business model here. Send me $12,000 and we won't come and you won't have to suffer the horror of being tromped on by DestructoGirl. Yup, you'll pay good money to avoid that fate, won't you? I mean, she's learning how to burp the alphabet: think how horrifying an experience it could be.