Monday, December 01, 2003

A Christmas Carol

If you're gonna steal, then steal from a master is what I say.

I adapted and wrote this in one sitting back on December 23rd, 2000. Seriously. It took me four hours and a bottle of tequila - and it shows.


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I have endeavoured in this Ghostly little book, to raise the Ghost of an Idea, which shall not put my readers out of humour with themselves, with each other, with the season, or with me. May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it.
Their faithful Friend and Servant, C. D. December, 1843.


Stave 1: Bob Marley's Ghost

Bob Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. It mattered not how many albums and Compact Discs that people bought, the register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, the homeless guy who sat in the corner muttering about cheese, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it, at least twice. And Scrooge's name was good upon Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to.
Bob Marley was as dead as Jimmy Nail’s career.
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about Jimmy Nail’s career, outside of his albums and the fact that he cannot obtain a job in TV and that he managed to incur the wrath of both Madonna and Antonio Banderas during the filming of Evita. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard Jimmy Nail as having the deadest career in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Bob Marley was as dead as Jimmy Nail’s career.
Scrooge knew he was dead? Like, der. How could it be otherwise? Scrooge and he were partners for I don't know how many years. Scrooge was his sole executor, his procurer of marijuana, his sole administrator, his sole assign, his sole residuary legatee, his sole friend, his sole manager and sole mourner. And even Scrooge was not so dreadfully cut up by the sad event, but that he was an excellent man of business on the very day of the funeral, and solemnised it with an undoubted bargain and managed to cut himself in for over 75% of the tee-shirt concession. The mention of Bob Marley's funeral brings me back to the point I started from. There is no doubt that Bob Marley was dead. And I am repeating myself. Again. Yet this must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate, but that might well be a moot point indeed. If we were not perfectly convinced that Hamlet's Father died before the play began, there would be nothing more remarkable in his taking a stroll at night, his urinating into an easterly wind, upon his own ramparts, than there would be in any other middle-aged gentleman rashly turning out drunk after dark in a breezy spot -- say Saint Paul's Churchyard for instance -- literally to astonish his son's weak mind.
Scrooge never painted out Bob Marley's name. There it stood, years afterwards, above the warehouse door: Scrooge and Marley. The firm was known as Scrooge and Marley. Sometimes people new to the business called Scrooge Scrooge, and sometimes Marley, but he answered to both names. It was all the same to him as were the many Rasta tunes that Marley was known to sing.
Oh! But he was a tight-fisted hand at the grind- stone, Scrooge! a squeezing, wrenching, wincing, mincing, grasping, scraping, paper hanging, clutching, cat bothering, covetous, old sinner! Hard and an anus sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; but a few matches on at parties had, secret, and self-contained, and solitary as flatulence in an elevator. The cold within him froze his old features, nipped his pointed nose, shrivelled his cheek, stiffened his member; made his eyes red, his thin lips blue, his veins stand on end; and spoke out shrewdly in his grating voice. A frosty rime was on his head, and on his eyebrows, and his wiry chin. He carried his own low body odour always about with him; he iced his coffee in the dogdays; and didn't thaw it one degree at Christmas.
External heat, magazine editors and cold had little influence on Scrooge. No warmth could warm, no wintry weather chill him, no criticism stuck. No wind that blew was bitterer than he, no falling snow was more intent upon its purpose, no feaces stank more, no pelting rain less open to entreaty. Neither foul weather nor Mike Munroe didn't know where to have him. The heaviest rain, and snow, and hail, and sleet, and porn movie could boast of the advantage over him in only one respect. They often `came down' handsomely, and Scrooge never did.
Nobody ever stopped him in the street to say, with gladsome looks and revolver cocked, `My dear Scrooge, how are you? Perchance you will now hand over your purse before I shoot you down like a darkie?' No beggars implored him to bestow a trifle, no children asked him what it was o'clock, no man or woman ever once in all his life inquired the way to such and such a place, of Scrooge. Even the pimp's women appeared to know him; and when they saw him coming on, would tug their owners with fevor in doorways and up courts; and then would shake their tail feathers as though they said, `No eye at all is better than an evil eye, dark master!'
But did Scrooge give a rat’s arse! It was the very thing he liked. To edge his way along the crowded paths of life, warning all human sympathy to keep its distance, was what the knowing ones call ‘bullshit' to Scrooge.
Once upon a midnight dreary (opps, sorry, wrong story) -- of all the good days in the year, on Christmas Eve -- old Scrooge sat busy in his counting-house. It was cold, bleak, biting weather: foggy withal: the kind of weather that reminded one of Liberal Party’s policies and he could hear the people in the court outside, go wheezing up and down, beating their hands upon their breasts, and stamping their feet upon the homeless that lived upon the pavement stones to warm them. The city clocks had only just gone three, but it was quite dark already -- it had not been light all day in the same way that Robert Menzies had not ever had an original idea -- and candles were flaring in the windows of the neighbouring offices, like ruddy smears upon the palpable brown air. The fog came pouring in a fasion that reminded one of the liquid excrement that follows a night on the curry, at every chink and keyhole, and was so dense without, that although the court was of the narrowest, the houses opposite were mere phantoms. To see the dingy cloud come drooping down, obscuring everything, one might have thought that Nature lived hard by, and was brewing on a large scale.
The door of Scrooge's counting-house was open that he might keep his eye upon his clerk, who in a dismal little cell beyond, a sort of outhouse, was copying letters and stealing glances at pornography. Scrooge had a very small penis, but the clerk's penis was so very much smaller that it looked like one baby’s smallest digit. But he couldn't replenish it, for Scrooge kept the hard-core pornography in his own room; and so surely as the clerk came in with the shovel to dent upon the masters head, the master predicted that it would be necessary for them to part. Wherefore the clerk put on his white comforter, and tried to warm himself at the candle; in which effort, not being a man of a strong imagination much akin to Billy Sneddon, he failed.
`A merry Christmas, uncle! God save you!' cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scrooge's nephew, who came upon him so quickly that this was the first intimation he had of his approach.
`Bah!' said Scrooge, ‘Pig’s arse!'
He had so heated himself with rapid walking in the fog and frost, this nephew of Scrooge's, that he was all in a glow; his face was ruddy and handsome; his eyes sparkled, and his breath smoked again. `Christmas a pig’s arse, uncle!' said Scrooge's nephew. `You don't mean that, I am sure?'
`I do,' said Scrooge. `Merry Christmas! What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough or have I not yet taxed you the fullest amount of the GST?'
`Come, then,' returned the nephew gaily. `What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You're rich enough or have you not yet worked out the tax dodges of Kerry Packer?'
Scrooge having no better answer ready on the spur of the moment, said `Bah!' again; and followed it up with ‘Pig’s arse!'
`Don't be cross, uncle, lest we nail you upon one!' said the nephew.
`What else can I be,' returned the uncle, `when I live in such a world of fools as this?’ Here he held up an eight by ten glossy black and white picture of the Backstreet Boys. ‘Merry Christmas! Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding that the Commonwealth Bank has cancelled your credit cards, a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for doctoring your books and having every item in `em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you? If I could work my will,' said Scrooge indignantly, `every idiot who goes about with "Merry Christmas" on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart and then forced to engage in sexual relations with Bronwyn Bishop. He should!'
`Uncle!' pleaded the nephew.
`Nephew!' returned the uncle sternly, `keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.'
`Keep it!' repeated Scrooge's nephew. ‘You bash it so far up your arse that the sun shall never again shine upon it, but you don't keep it.'
`’Ere,,leave it out, then,' said Scrooge. `Much good may it do you! Much good it has ever done you, much the same as Dean Brown!'
`There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say,' returned the nephew. `Viewing Baywatch and Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round -- apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that if that makes any sense at all -- as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, to gorge themselves while others starve and to not think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and merely another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, except for that week when I posed as Santa Claus and stood on a street corner and coined it in, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!'
The clerk in the Tank involuntarily farted. Becoming immediately sensible of the impropriety, he poked the office dog, and cursed it for eating too much cabbage.
`Let me hear another sound from you,' said Scrooge, `and you'll spend your Christmas by finding ways to heal your Jatz Cracker! You're quite a powerful speaker, sir, and a liar and a cheat,' he added, turning to his nephew. `I wonder you don't go into Parliament and go soon.'
`Don't be an utter prick, uncle. Come! Dine with us tomorrow.'
Scrooge said that he would see him -- yes, indeed he did. He went the whole length of the expression, and said that he would see him in that extremity first.
`But why?' cried Scrooge's nephew. `Jesus Christ! Why?'
`Why did you get married?' said Scrooge.
`Because I fell in love.'
`Because you fell in love! More like because you took her to the drive in and burst the bag!' growled Scrooge, as if that were the only one thing in the world more ridiculous than a merry Christmas. `Good afternoon and don’t slam the door behind you as you leave!'
`Nay, uncle, but you never came to see me before that happened. Why give it as a reason for not coming now?'
`Good afternoon,' said Scrooge, ‘And do not let the door hit your arse on the way out.’
`I want nothing from you; I ask nothing of you; why cannot we be friends?'
`Good afternoon,' said Scrooge, ‘May I also ask, are you deaf or just ignorant?’
`I am sorry, with all my heart, to find you so resolute. We have never had any quarrel, to which I have been a party. But I have made the trial in homage to Christmas, and I'll keep my Christmas humour to the last. So A Merry Christmas, uncle!'
`Good afternoon,' said Scrooge, ‘Now, please do piss off, and rapidly.’
`And A Happy New Year!'
`Good afternoon,' said Scrooge, ‘And feel free to drop dead at any moment, but wait until you have left my premises.’
His nephew left the room without an angry word, notwithstanding the abuse and the fact that he had to pay a toll to leave. He stopped at the outer door to steal a few spare Compact Discs and to bestow the greetings of the season on the clerk, who cold as he was, was warmer than Scrooge; for he returned them cordially.
`There's another dick head,' muttered Scrooge; who overheard him: `my brain dead clerk, with fifteen shillings a week, and a wife and family, talking about a merry Christmas. I'll retire to Bedlam.'
This flaming lunatic, in letting Scrooge's nephew out, had let two other people in. They were portly gentlemen, pleasant to behold, and now stood, with their hats off, in Scrooge's office. They had books, magazines, meat pies and papers in their hands, and bowed to him.
`Scrooge and Marley's, I believe,' said one of the gentlemen, referring to his list. `Have I the pleasure of addressing Mr. Scrooge, or Mr. Marley?'
`What are you? Thick? Mr. Marley has been dead these seven years,' Scrooge replied. `He died seven years ago, this very night.'
`We have no doubt his liberality is well represented by his surviving partner,' said the gentleman, presenting his credentials which identified him as a member of the drug squad.
It certainly was; for they had been two kindred spirits. At the ominous word `liberality,' Scrooge frowned, and shook his head, and handed the credentials back, and made a mental note to increase the amount of kick backs that he currently paid to the fair boys in blue.
`At this festive season of the year, Mr. Scrooge,' said the gentleman, taking up a pen, `it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the Poor and Destitute, who suffer greatly at the present time. Many thousands are in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts, sir.'
`Are there no prisons?' asked Scrooge.
`Plenty of prisons,' said the gentleman, laying down the pen again. `And the Union workhouses?' demanded Scrooge. `Are they still in operation?'
`They are. Still,' returned the gentleman, `I wish I could say they were not.'
`The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full vigour, then?' said Scrooge.
`Both very busy, sir.'
`Oh! I was afraid, from what you said at first, that something had occurred to stop them in their useful course,' said Scrooge. `I'm very glad to hear it. Now stop wasting my time and piss off.'
`Under the impression that they scarcely furnish Christian cheer of mind or body to the multitude,' returned the gentleman, `a few of us are endeavouring to raise a fund to buy the Poor some meat and drink. and means of warmth. We choose this time, because it is a time, of all others, when Want is keenly felt, and Abundance rejoices. What shall I put you down for or shall we give you a right proper kicking?'
`Nothing!' Scrooge replied. ‘Bugger all!’
`You wish to be anonymous?'
`I wish to be left alone, and I also wish that you will go the way of vinyl and vanish.' said Scrooge. `Since you ask me what I wish, gentlemen, that is my answer. I don't make merry myself at Christmas and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned -- they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there or they can go and get fuc*'
`Many can't go there; and many would rather die.'
`Don’t interrupt me again, and anyway if they would rather die,' said Scrooge, `they had better do it, not on my time mind you and decrease the surplus population. Besides -- excuse me -- I don't know that and nor do I care a whit.'
`But you might know it,' observed the gentleman.
`It's not my business,' Scrooge returned. `It's enough for a man to understand his own business, that of his neighbour who doesn’t pull the shades shut when she bathes naked and not to interfere with other people's. Mine occupies me constantly. Good afternoon, gentlemen! Now, please do rack off.'
Seeing clearly that it would be useless to pursue their point, the gentlemen withdrew. Scrooge returned his labours with an improved opinion of himself, well someone had to have one and in a more facetious temper than was usual with him.
Meanwhile the fog and darkness and police thickened so, that people ran about with flaring links, proffering their services to go before horses in carriages, and conduct them on their way, it was safer that way than going behind the carriages and running the risk of soiling their worn shoes in horse dung. The ancient tower of a church, whose gruff old bell was always peeping slily down at Scrooge out of a Gothic window in the wall, became invisible, and struck the hours and quarters in the clouds, with tremulous vibrations afterwards as if its teeth were chattering in its frozen head up there. The cold became intense. In the main street at the corner of the court, some eighteen labourers were repairing the gas-pipes, on double time and a half, one of them did the work while the rest had lighted a great fire in a brazier, round which a party of ragged men and boys were gathered: farting, swearing, warming their hands and winking their eyes before the blaze in rapture. The water-plug being left in solitude, its overflowing sullenly congealed, and turned to misanthropic ice. The brightness of the shops where holly sprigs and berries crackled in the lamp heat of the windows, made pale faces ruddy as they passed wind with a grimace. Poulterers' and grocers' trades became as splendid a joke as government policies; a glorious pageant, with which it was next to impossible to believe that such dull principles as collective bargaining and sales of public utilities had anything to do. The Lord Mayor, in the stronghold of the mighty Mansion House, gave orders to his fifty cooks and butlers to keep Christmas as a Lord Mayor's household should; and even the little tailor, whom he had fined five shillings on the previous Monday for being drunk and bloodthirsty in the sheets with the Lady Mayoress, stirred urine and other bodily emissions into to-morrow's pudding in his garret, while his lean wife and the baby sallied out to buy the beef.
Foggier yet, and colder! Or have I already said that? Piercing, searching, biting cold. If the good Saint Donald Dunstan had but nipped the Evil Spirit Thomas Playford's nose with a touch of such weather as that, instead of using his familiar weapons, then indeed he would have roared to lusty purpose. The owner of one scant young nose, gnawed and mumbled by the hungry cold as bones are gnawed by dogs, stooped down at Scrooge's keyhole to regale him with a Christmas carol: but at the first sound of the urine splashing at the bottom of the door
`God bless you, merry gentleman! May nothing you dismay!'
Scrooge seized the ruler with such energy of action, that the singer fled in terror, leaving the keyhole to the fog and even more congenial frost.
At length the hour of shutting up the counting- house arrived. With an ill-will Scrooge dismounted from his stool, and tacitly admitted the fact to the expectant clerk in the Tank, who instantly snuffed his candle out, and put on his hat.
`You'll want all day to-morrow, I suppose, you little bloodsucking bastard?' said Scrooge.
`If quite convenient, sir.'
`It's not convenient,' said Scrooge, `and it's as fair as a blackfellows arsehole in the dark. If I was to stop half-a-crown for it, you'd think yourself ill-used, I'll be bound?'
The clerk smiled faintly as he let a silent one go.
`And yet,' said Scrooge, sniffing, `you don't think me ill-used, when I pay a day's wages for no work.'
The clerk observed that it was only once a year.
`A poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every twenty-fifth of December!' said Scrooge, buttoning his great-coat to the chin. `But I suppose you must have the whole day. Be here all the earlier next morning.'
The clerk promised that he would; and Scrooge walked out with a growl as his stomach rumbled as the lunch-time chilli began to repeat. The office was closed in a twinkling, and the clerk, with the long ends of his white comforter dangling below his waist (for he boasted no great-coat), went down a slide on Cornhill, at the end of a lane of boys, twenty times, in honour of its being Christmas Eve, and then ran home to Camden Town as hard as he could pelt, to play at blindman's-buff.
Scrooge took his melancholy dinner in his usual melancholy tavern; and having read all the newspapers and sundry copies of Time and Newsweek, and beguiled the rest of the evening with his banker's-book, went home to bed. He lived in chambers which had once belonged to his deceased partner. They were a gloomy suite of rooms, in a lowering pile of marijuana building up a yard, where it had so little business to be now that Bob Marley was no longer there to sell it to the assorted drug addicts, that one could scarcely help fancying it must have run there when it was a young house, playing at hide-and-seek with other houses, and forgotten the way out again. It was old enough now, and dreary enough, for nobody lived in it but Scrooge, the other rooms being all let out as offices and studios where movies of dubious nature were filmed. The yard was so dark that even Scrooge, who knew its every stone, was fain to grope with his hands in the vain hopes of coming across an aspiring actress from another office. The fog and frost so hung about the black old gateway of the house, that it seemed as if the Genius of the Weather sat in mournful meditation on the threshold.
Now, it is a fact, that there was nothing at all particular about the knockers on the lady next door, except that there were very large. It is also a fact, that Scrooge had seen them, night and morning, during his whole residence in that place; also that Scrooge had as little of what is called fancy about him as any man in the city of London, even including -- which is a bold word -- the corporation – whoever the hell they were --, Terry Alderman, and livery. Let it also be borne in mind that Scrooge had not bestowed one thought on Bob Marley, since his last mention of his seven years' dead partner that afternoon. And then let any man explain to me, if he can, if he can be bothered, how it happened that Scrooge, having his key in the lock of the door, saw in the knockers, without its undergoing any intermediate process of change -- not knockers, but Bob Marley's face.
Bob Marley's face. It was not in impenetrable shadow as the other objects in the yard were, but had a dismal light about it, like a bad lobster in a dark cellar. It was not angry or ferocious, but looked at Scrooge as Bob Marley used to look: with ghostly dreadlocks turned up on its ghostly forehead. The dreadlocks were curiously stirred, as if by breath or hot air; and, though the eyes were wide open, they were perfectly motionless. That, and its livid colour, made it horrible; but its horror seemed to be in spite of the face and beyond its control, rather than a part or its own expression.
As Scrooge looked fixedly at this phenomenon, it was a set of knockers again.
To say that he was not startled, or that his blood was not conscious of a terrible sensation to which it had been a stranger from infancy, would be untrue. But he put his hand upon the key he had relinquished, turned it sturdily, walked in, and lighted his candle and checked his pants for skiddies.
He did pause, with a moment's irresolution, before he shut the door; and he did look cautiously behind it first, as if he half-expected to be terrified with the sight of Bob Marley's pigtail sticking out into the hall. But there was nothing on the back of the door, except the screws and nuts that held the knockers on, so he said ‘Fark that!' and closed it with a bang.
The sound resounded through the house like thunder. Every room above, and every cask in the wine-merchant's cellars below, appeared to have a separate peal of echoes of its own. Scrooge was not a man to be frightened by echoes, he suffered from gas often and the bangs and echos from that were often louder than the door.. He fastened the door, and walked across the hall, and up the stairs; slowly too: trimming his candle as he went.
You may talk vaguely about driving a coach-and-six up a good old flight of stairs, or through a bad young Act of Parliament; but I mean to say you might have got a hearse up that staircase, and taken it broadwise, with the splinter-bar towards the wall and the door towards the balustrades: and done it easy. There was plenty of width for that, and room to spare; which is perhaps the reason why Scrooge thought he saw a locomotive hearse going on before him in the gloom. Half a dozen gas-lamps out of the street wouldn't have lighted the entry too well, so you may suppose that it was pretty dark with Scrooge's dippy vision.
Up Scrooge went, not caring a shite for that. Darkness is cheap, much like the girl next door and Scrooge liked it. But before he shut his heavy door, he walked through his rooms to see that all was right. He had just enough recollection of the face to desire to do that.
Sitting-room, bedroom, water closet, lumber-room. All as they should be. Nobody under the table, nobody under the sofa; nobody swimming in the chamber-pot; a small fire in the grate; spoon and basin ready; and the little saucepan of gruel (Scrooge had a cold in his head) upon the hob. Nobody under the bed; nobody in the closet; nobody in his dressing-gown, which was hanging up in a suspicious attitude against the wall. Lumber-room as usual. Old fire-guards, old shoes, two fish-baskets, washing-stand on three legs, and a poker game in progress.
Quite satisfied, he closed his door, and locked himself in; double-locked himself in, triple locked himself in (do you get the hint yet?), which was not his custom. Thus secured against surprise, he took off his cravat; put on his dressing-gown and slippers, and his nightcap; passed wind and urine and sat down before the fire to take his gruel.
It was a very low fire indeed; nothing on such a bitter night. He was obliged to sit close to it, perform flatulence often and brood over it, before he could extract the least sensation of warmth from such a handful of fuel. The fireplace was an old one, built by some Wog merchant long ago, and paved all round with quaint Italian tiles, designed to illustrate the Scriptures. There were Cains and Abels, Pharaohs' daughters; Queens of Sheba, Pamela Andersons; Angelic messengers descending through the air on clouds like feather-beds, Abrahams, Belshazzars, Bonos, Apostles putting off to sea in butter-boats, hundreds of figures to attract his thoughts -- and yet that face of Bob Marley, seven years dead, came like the ancient Prophet's rod when confronted with the thought of having a night with three of his wives at once, and swallowed up the whole. If each smooth tile had been a blank at first, with power to shape some picture on its surface from the disjointed fragments of his thoughts, there would have been a copy of old Bob Marley's head on every one, grinning and smoking a giant joint.
`Bullshite!' said Scrooge; and walked across the room.
After several farts, he sat down again. As he threw his head back in the chair, his glance happened to rest upon a bell, a disused bell, that hung in the room, and communicated for some purpose now forgotten with a chamber in the highest story of the building. It was with great astonishment, and with a strange, inexplicable dread, that as he looked, he saw this bell begin to swing and swing. It swung so softly in the outset that it scarcely made a sound; but soon it rang out loudly, and so did every bell in the house and it sounded not unlike that bit in Two Tribes as performed by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
This might have lasted half a minute, or a minute, or two minutes, or three minutes, but it seemed an hour, or two hours, or three hours. The bells ceased as they had begun, together. They were succeeded by a clanking noise, deep down below; as if some person were dragging a heavy chain over the casks in the wine merchant's cellar. Scrooge then remembered to have heard that ghosts in haunted houses were described as dragging chains.
The cellar-door flew open with a booming sound, and then he heard the noise much louder, on the floors below; then coming up the stairs; then coming straight towards his door.
`It's crap still!' said Scrooge. `I won't believe it, even if Freddie Mercury himself enters.'
His colour changed though, when, without a pause, it came on through the heavy door, and passed into the room before his eyes. Upon its coming in, the dying flame leaped up, as though it cried `I got it!! I know him; Bob Marley's Ghost!' and fell again.
The same face: the very same. Bob Marley in his dreadlocks, usual packet of ganga, tights and boots; the tassels on the latter bristling, like his dreadlocks, and his coat-skirts, and the hair upon his chest, but not as thick as Garry Glitters chest wig. The chain he drew was clasped about his middle. It was long, and wound about him like a tail; and it was made (for Scrooge observed it closely) of cash-boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, words, warrents for drugs, and heavy purses wrought in steel. His body was transparent; so that Scrooge, observing him, and looking through his waistcoat, could see the two buttons on his coat behind.
Scrooge had often heard it said that Bob Marley had no bowels as no-one had ever been a witness to his flatulence and after a night on the curry and chips he never showed any discomfort, but he had never believed it until now having heard him quietly poot at least once.
No, nor did he believe it even now. Though he looked the phantom through and through, and saw it standing before him; though he felt the chilling influence of its death-cold eyes; and marked the very texture of the folded kerchief bound about its head and chin, which wrapper he had not observed before; he was still incredulous, and fought against his senses.
`OK now!' said Scrooge, caustic and cold as ever. `Just what the hell do you want with me?'
`Much mon!' – Bob Marley's voice, no doubt about it.
`Who the hell are you?'
`Ask me who I was.'
`Oh, stop the bloody riddles. Who were you then?' said Scrooge, raising his voice. `You're particular, for a shade.' He was going to say `to a shade,' but substituted this, as more appropriate.
`In life I was your partner, Bob Marley.'
`Can you -- can you sit down?' asked Scrooge, looking doubtfully at him. ‘Do you have an arse?’
`I can and I do.'
`Do it, then.'
Scrooge asked the question, because he didn't know whether a ghost so transparent might find himself in a condition to take a chair; and felt that in the event of its being impossible, it might involve the necessity of an embarrassing explanation. But the ghost sat down on the opposite side of the fireplace, as if he were quite used to it.
`You don't believe in me,' observed the Ghost.
`You got that right bub, I don't.' said Scrooge.
`What evidence would you have of my reality beyond that of your senses?'
`Beats the shite outta me,' said Scrooge.
`Why do you doubt your senses?'
`Because,' said Scrooge, `a little thing affects them. A slight disorder of the stomach makes them cheats. You may be an undigested bit of beef, a tad of undigested pork, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a piece of bad pizza, a fragment of an underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!'
Scrooge was not much in the habit of cracking jokes, nor did he feel, in his heart, by any means waggish then. The truth is, that he tried to be smart, as a means of distracting his own attention, and keeping down his terror; for the spectre's voice disturbed the very marrow in his bones.
To sit, staring at those fixed glazed eyes, in silence for a moment, would play, Scrooge felt, the very deuce with him. There was something very awful, too, in the spectre's being provided with an infernal atmosphere of its own. Scrooge could not feel it himself, but this was clearly the case; for though the Ghost sat perfectly motionless, its dreadlocks, joint, and skirts, and tassels, were still agitated as by the hot vapour from an oven.
`You see this toothpick?' said Scrooge, returning quickly to the charge, for the reason just assigned; and wishing, though it were only for a second, to divert the vision's stony gaze from himself.
`I do,' replied the Ghost.
`You’re not looking at it idiot,' said Scrooge.
`But I see it,' said the Ghost, `notwithstanding.'
`Smart arse!' returned Scrooge, `If you think that I have but to swallow this, and be for the rest of my days persecuted by a legion of goblins, all of my own creation then you have another thing coming. Bullshite I tell you! Bullshite!'
At this the spirit raised a frightful cry, and shook its chain with such a dismal and appalling noise, that Scrooge held on tight to his chair, to save himself from falling in a swoon or soiling his trousers, again. But how much greater was his horror, when the phantom taking off the bandage round its head, as if it were too warm to wear indoors, its lower jaw dropped down upon its breast!
Scrooge fell upon his knees, and clasped his hands before his face.
`Holy shit!' he said. `Dreadful apparition, why do you trouble me?'
`Mon of the worldly mind!' replied the Ghost, `do you believe in me or not?'
`I do,' said Scrooge. `I guess I must. But why do spirits walk the earth, and why do they come to me? I knew I shouldn’t have had that last bottle of Gin.'
`It is required of every mon,' the Ghost returned, `that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellowmen, and travel far and wide; and if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world -- oh, woe is me! -- and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth, and turned to happiness!'
Again the spectre raised a cry, and shook its chain and wrung its shadowy hands.
`You are frottered,' said Scrooge, trembling. `Tell me why? Mind you I still think this is another bad episode of a William Shatner series.'
`I wear the chain I forged in life,' replied the Ghost. `I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you? I kind of like it, it’s floral.'
Scrooge trembled more and more.
`Or would you know,' pursued the Ghost, `the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself? It was full as heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas Eves ago. You have laboured on it, since. It is a ponderous chain!'
Scrooge glanced about him on the floor, in the expectation of finding himself surrounded by some fifty or sixty fathoms of iron cable: but he could see nothing.
‘Bob,' he said, imploringly. `Old Bob Marley, tell me more. Speak comfort to me, Bob, but talk slowly when you talk pretty!'
`I have none to give,' the Ghost replied. `It comes from other regions, Ebenezer Scrooge, and is conveyed by other ministers, to other kinds of men. Nor can I tell you what I would if I could I would, if I could you know I would. A very little more, is all permitted to me. I cannot rest, I cannot stay, I cannot have sex, I cannot linger anywhere. My spirit never walked beyond our counting-house -- mark me! -- in life my spirit never roved beyond the narrow limits of our money-changing shite hole; and weary journeys lie before me!'
It was a habit with Scrooge, whenever he became thoughtful, to put his hands in his breeches pockets and played with himself. Pondering on what the Ghost had said, he did so now, but without lifting up his eyes, or getting off his knees.
`You must have been very slow about it, Bob,' Scrooge observed, in a business-like manner, though with humility and deference.
`Slow!' the Ghost repeated. ‘What??’
`Seven years dead,' mused Scrooge. `And travelling all the time!'
`The whole time,' said the Ghost. `No rest, no peace. Incessant torture of remorse.'
`You travel fast?' said Scrooge. ‘Fast enough to keep one step ahead of the tax man?’
`On the wings of the wind,' replied the Ghost. ‘Get to your point.’
`You might have got over a great quantity of ground in seven years,' said Scrooge.
The Ghost, on hearing this, set up another cry, and clanked its chain so hideously in the dead silence of the night, that the Ward would have been justified in indicting it for a nuisance.
`Oh! captive, bound in bondage gear without any sight of a mistress with a whip, and double-ironed,' cried the phantom, `not to know, that ages of incessant labour, by immortal creatures, for this earth must pass into eternity before the good of which it is susceptible is all developed. Not to know that any Christian spirit working kindly in its little sphere, whatever it may be, will find its mortal life too short for its vast means of usefulness. Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunity misused! Yet such was I! Oh! such was I!'
`But you were always a good man of business, Bob,' faltered Scrooge, who now began to apply this to himself. ‘And you could always roll more than a halfway decent number’.
`Business!' cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. `Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!'
It held up its chain at arm's length, as if that were the cause of all its unavailing grief, and flung it heavily upon the ground again.
`At this time of the rolling year,' the spectre said `I suffer most. Why did I walk through crowds of fellow-beings with my eyes turned down, and never raise them to that blessed Star which led the Wise Men to a poor abode! Were there no poor homes to which its light would have conducted me!'
Scrooge was very much dismayed to hear the spectre going on at this rate, and began to quake exceedingly.
`Hear me!' cried the Ghost. `My time is nearly gone.'
`I will,' said Scrooge, at the same time thinking ‘Thank Christ for that.’. `But don't be hard upon me! Don't be as flowery as your shirt, Bob! Pray!' `How it is that I appear before you in a shape that you can see, I may not tell. I have sat invisible beside you many and many a day.'
It was not an agreeable idea. Scrooge shivered, clenched his buttocks and wiped the perspiration from his brow.
`That is no light part of my penance,' pursued the Ghost. `I am here to-night to warn you, that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of my procuring, Ebenezer.'
`Is that all? You were always a good friend to me,' said Scrooge. `Thank `ee! Now piss off and let me sleep.'
`You will be haunted,' resumed the Ghost, `by Three Spirits.'
Scrooge's countenance fell almost as low as the Ghost's had done.
`Is that the chance and hope you mentioned, Bob?' he demanded, in a faltering voice. ‘Thanks for nothing pal.’
`It is.'
`I -- I think I'd rather not,' said Scrooge.
`Without their visits,' said the Ghost, `you cannot hope to shun the path I tread. Expect the first tomorrow, when the bell tolls One.'
`Couldn't I take `em all at once, and have it over, Bob?' hinted Scrooge.
`Expect the second on the next night at the same hour. The third upon the next night when the last stroke of Twelve has ceased to vibrate. Look to see me no more; and look that, for your own sake, you remember what has passed between us!'
When it had said these words, the spectre took a Twisties wrapper from the table, and bound it round its head, as before. Scrooge knew this, by the smart sound its teeth made, when the jaws were brought together by the bandage. He ventured to raise his eyes again, and found his supernatural visitor confronting him in with it’s penis in an erect attitude, with its chain wound over and about its arm.
The apparition walked backward from him; and at every step it took, the window raised itself a little, so that when the spectre reached it, it was wide open. It beckoned Scrooge to approach, which he did. When they were within two paces of each other, Bob Marley's Ghost held up its hand, warning him to come no nearer. Scrooge stopped.
Not so much in obedience, as in surprise and fear: for on the raising of the hand, he became sensible of confused noises in the air; incoherent sounds of lamentation and regret; wailings inexpressibly sorrowful and self-accusatory. The spectre, after listening for a moment, joined in the mournful dirge; and floated out upon the bleak, dark night.
Scrooge followed to the window: desperate in his curiosity. He looked out and vomited into the street below, savoring the cry of a lost soul who would then have to explain it to his wife.
The air was filled with phantoms, wandering hither and thither in restless haste, and moaning as they went. Every one of them wore chains like Marley's Ghost; some few (they might have been guilty governments but since politicians have no soul that was impossible) were linked together; none were free. Many had been personally known to Scrooge in their lives. He had been quite familiar with one old ghost, in a white waistcoat, with a monstrous iron safe attached to its ankle, who cried piteously at being unable to assist a wretched woman with an infant, whom it saw below, upon a door-step. The misery with them all was, clearly, that they sought to interfere, for good, in human matters, and had lost the power for ever.
Whether these creatures faded into mist, or mist enshrouded them, he could not tell. But they and their spirit voices faded together; and the night became as it had been when he walked home.
Scrooge closed the window, and examined the door by which the Ghost had entered. It was double-locked, as he had locked it with his own hands, and the bolts were undisturbed. He tried to say `Bullshite!' but stopped at the first syllable. And being, from the emotion he had undergone, or the fatigues of the day, or his glimpse of the Invisible World, or the dull conversation of the Ghost, or the lateness of the hour, much in need of repose; went straight to bed, without undressing, and fell asleep upon the instant.

Stave 2: The First of the Three Spirits

When Scrooge awoke, it was so dark, that looking out of bed, he could scarcely distinguish the transparent window from the opaque walls of his chamber pot. He was endeavouring to pierce the darkness with his ferret eyes, when the chimes of a neighbouring church struck the four quarters. So he listened for the hour.
To his great astonishment the heavy bell went on from six to seven, and from seven to eight, and regularly up to twelve; then stopped. Twelve. It was past two when he went to bed. The clock was wrong. Someone had stuffed up, again or an icicle must have got into the works. Twelve.
He touched the spring of his repeater, to correct this most preposterous clock. Its rapid little pulse beat twelve: and stopped.
`Awwww shit. Why, it isn't possible,' said Scrooge, `that I can have slept through a whole day and far into another night. It isn't possible that anything has happened to the sun, and this is twelve at noon.'
The idea being an alarming one, he scrambled out of bed, and groped his way to the window. He was obliged to rub the frost off with the sleeve of his dressing-gown before he could see anything; and could see very little then. All he could make out was, that it was still very foggy and extremely cold, and that there was no noise of people running to and fro, and making a great stir, as there unquestionably would have been if they were busy beating off in the bright day, and taken possession of the world. This was a great relief, because "Three days after sight of this First of Exchange pay to Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge on his order," and so forth, would have become a mere United States security if there were no days to count by, whatever that means.
Scrooge visited the water closet and then went to bed again, and thought, and thought, and thought it over and over, and could make nothing of it. The more he thought, the more perplexed he was; and, the more he endeavoured not to think, the more he thought.
Bob Marley's Ghost bothered him exceedingly. Every time he resolved within himself, after mature inquiry that it was all a dream, his mind flew back again, like a strong spring released, to its first position, and presented the same problem to be worked all through, "Was it a dream or not? Was I on drugs or just on the grog?"
Scrooge lay in this state until the chime had gone three-quarters more, when he remembered, on a sudden, that the Ghost had warned him of a visitation when the bell tolled one. He resolved to lie awake until the hour was passed; and, considering that he could no more go to sleep than go to heaven, this was, perhaps, the wisest resolution in his power.
The quarter was so long, that he was more than once convinced he must have sunk into a doze unconsciously, and missed the clock. At length it broke upon his listening ear.
"Ding, dong!"
"A quarter past," said Scrooge, counting. ‘Denise Drysdale better not come by.’
"Ding, dong!"
"Half past," said Scrooge. ‘I heard you the first time.”
"Ding, dong!"
"A quarter to it," said Scrooge. "Ding, dong!"
"The hour itself," said Scrooge triumphantly, "and nothing else! Nada, naught, bugger all."
He spoke before the hour bell sounded, which it now did with a deep, dull, hollow, melancholy ONE. Light flashed up in the room upon the instant, and the curtains of his bed were drawn.
The curtains of his bed were drawn aside, I tell you, by a hand and not a foot. Not the curtains at his feet, nor the curtains at his back, but those to which his face was addressed. The curtains of his bed were drawn aside; and Scrooge, starting up into a half-recumbent attitude, found himself face to face with the unearthly visitor who drew them: as close to it as I am now to you, and I am standing in the spirit at your elbow.
‘JEEZ LOUISE!’ exclaimed Scrooge, ‘Don’t DO that!’
It was a strange figure -- like a child: yet not so like a child as like an old man, viewed through some supernatural medium, which gave him the appearance of having receded from the view, and being diminished to a child's proportions. Its hair, which hung about its neck and down its back, was white as if with age; and yet the face had not a wrinkle in it, and the tenderest bloom was on the skin. The arms were very long and muscular; the hands the same, as if its hold were of uncommon strength. Its legs and feet, most delicately formed, were, like those upper members, bare. It wore a tunic of the purest white, and round its waist was bound a lustrous belt, the sheen of which was beautiful. It held a branch of fresh green holly in its hand; and, in singular contradiction of that wintry emblem, had its dress trimmed with summer flowers. But the strangest thing about it was, that from the crown of its head there sprung a bright clear jet of light, by which all this was visible; and which was doubtless the occasion of its using, in its duller moments, a great extinguisher for a cap, which it now held under its arm.
Even this, though, when Scrooge looked at it with increasing steadiness, was not its strangest quality. For as its belt sparkled and Gary Glittered now in one part and now in another, and what was light one instant, at another time was dark, so the figure itself fluctuated in its distinctness: being now a thing with one arm, now with one leg, now with twenty legs, now a pair of legs without a head, now a head without a body: of which dissolving parts, no outline would be visible in the dense gloom wherein they melted away. And in the very wonder of this, it would be itself again; distinct and clear as ever.
`Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me.' asked Scrooge.
`I am what I am and what I am is what I am.'
The voice was soft and gentle. Singularly low, as if instead of being so close beside him, it were at a distance.
`Who, and what are you, and if you dare say Popeye then I shall be forced to swear..' Scrooge demanded. ‘And why did you scare the living bejesus out of me just then?’
`I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. And sorry about that, but it’s all part of the job.'
`Long Past.' inquired Scrooge: observant of its dwarfish stature. ‘Obviously you’re late.’
`No. Your past.'
Perhaps, Scrooge could not have told anybody why, if anybody could have asked him; but he had a special desire to see the Spirit in his cap and a pair of high-heeled boots; and begged him to be covered.
`What.' exclaimed the Ghost,' would you so soon put out, with worldly hands, the light I give. Is it not enough that you are one of those whose passions made this cap, and force me through whole trains of years to wear it low upon my brow.'
‘So you are low-brow?’ Scrooge reverently disclaimed all intention to offend or any knowledge of having wilfully bonneted the Spirit at any period of his life. He then made bold to inquire what business brought him there.
`Your welfare.' said the Ghost.
Scrooge expressed himself much obliged, but could not help thinking that a night of unbroken rest would have been more conducive to that end. The Spirit must have heard him thinking, for it said immediately:
`Your reclamation, then. Take heed.' It put out its strong hand as it spoke, and clasped him gently by the arm. `Rise. and walk with me.'
It would have been in vain for Scrooge to plead that the weather and the hour were not adapted to pedestrian purposes; that no-one said ‘walk with me’ outside of Riker from Star Trek The Next Generation; that bed was warm, and the thermometer a long way below freezing; that he was clad but lightly in his slippers, dressing-gown, and nightcap; and that he had a cold upon him at that time and that his underwear was again soiled and rapidly growing cold. The grasp, though gentle as a woman's hand, was not to be resisted. He rose: but finding that the Spirit made towards the window, clasped his robe in supplication.
`I am mortal,' Scrooge remonstrated, `and liable to fall and then you shall be liable for injuries incourred and as a result I shall be again forced to take action and bring down the full force of the law, or so they say on Judge Judy.'
`Bear but a touch of my hand there,' said the Spirit, laying it upon his heart,' and you shall be upheld in more than this. For I have partaken in some Magic Mushrooms before I came hence.'
As the words were spoken, they passed through the wall, and stood upon an open country road, with fields on either hand. The city had entirely vanished. Not a vestige of it was to be seen. The darkness and the mist had vanished with it, for it was a clear, cold, winter day, with snow upon the ground.
`Good Heaven!' said Scrooge, clasping his hands together, as he looked about him. `I was bred in this place. I was a boy here. I first kicked a cat on this very spot! And there,’ Scrooge pointed to a nearby haystack, ‘there is where the fair maiden Lucy, who was more commonly known as Juicy Lucy gave herself to me for the sum of three shillings, quite a sum in those days I might add.'
The Spirit gazed upon him mildly. Its gentle touch, though it had been light and instantaneous, appeared still present to the old man's sense of feeling. He was conscious of a thousand odours floating in the air, each one connected with a thousand thoughts, and hopes, and joys, and cares long, long, forgotten and an arasoul in the groin..
`Your lip is trembling,' said the Ghost. `And what is that upon your cheek. And what is that smell?'
Scrooge muttered, with an unusual catching in his voice, that it was a pimple; that he lost control of his bowels yet again and begged the Ghost to lead him where he would.
`You recollect the way.' inquired the Spirit.
`Remember it.' cried Scrooge with fervour; `I could walk it blindfold with a brick tied to my willy.'
`Strange to have forgotten it for so many years.' observed the Ghost. `Let us go on.'
They walked along the road, Scrooge recognising every gate, and post, and tree; until a little market-town appeared in the distance, with its bridge, its church, and winding river. Some shaggy well endowed ponies now were seen trotting towards them with boys upon their backs, who called to other boys in country gigs and carts, driven by farmers. All these boys were in great spirits having drunken much spirits, and shouted to each other, until the broad fields were so full of merry music, that the crisp air laughed to hear it.
‘Pissants,’ muttered Scrooge, ‘I wish they’d shut up.’
`These are but shadows of the things that have been,' said the Ghost. `They have no consciousness of us.'
The jocund travellers came on each other; and as they came, Scrooge knew and named them every one and recalled with unerring accuracy how much each owed him. Why was he rejoiced beyond all bounds to see them, was it the thought of being able to collect twice?. Why did his cold eye glisten, and his heart leap up as they went past. Why was he filled with gladness when he heard them give each other Merry Christmas, as they parted at cross-roads and bye-ways, for their several homes. What was merry Christmas to Scrooge. Out upon merry Christmas. What good had it ever done to him.
`The school is not quite deserted,' said the Ghost. `A solitary child, neglected by his friends, is left there still.'
Scrooge said he knew it. And he sobbed and wailed like a little girl – the wimp that he was --.
They left the high-road, by a well-remembered lane, and soon approached a mansion of dull red brick, the same kind of dullness that you find when you watch Neighbours, with a little weathercock-surmounted cupola, on the roof, and a bell hanging in it. It was a large house, but one of broken fortunes; for the spacious offices were little used, their walls were damp and mossy, their windows broken, and their gates decayed. Fowls clucked, mated and strutted in the stables; and the coach-houses and sheds were over-run with the kind of grass that would later attract Bob Marley. Nor was it more retentive of its ancient state, within; for entering the dreary hall, and glancing through the open doors of many rooms, they found them poorly furnished, cold, and vast. There was an earthy savour in the air, a chilly bareness in the place, which associated itself somehow with too much getting up by candle-light, and not too much to eat and no less a pot to piss in.
They went, the Ghost and Scrooge, across the hall, to a door at the back of the house. It opened before them, and disclosed a long, bare, melancholy room, made barer still by lines of plain deal forms and desks. At one of these a lonely boy was reading near a feeble fire; and Scrooge sat down upon a form, and wept to see his poor forgotten self as he used to be.
Not a latent echo in the house, not a squeak and scuffle from the mice behind the panelling, not a drip from the half-thawed water-spout in the dull yard behind, not a sigh among the leafless boughs of one despondent poplar, not a noise from the cat who stared vacantly out of the window into space and waited for it’s cue to speak, not the idle swinging of an empty store-house door, no, not a clicking in the fire, but fell upon the heart of Scrooge with a softening influence, and gave a freer passage to his tears.
The Spirit touched him on the arm, and pointed to his younger self, intent upon his reading. Suddenly a man, in foreign garments: wonderfully real and distinct to look at: stood outside the window, with an axe stuck in his belt, and leading by the bridle an ass laden with wood.
`Why, it's Ali Baba.' Scrooge exclaimed in ecstasy. `It's dear old honest, stupid Ali Baba. Yes, yes, I know. One Christmas time, when yonder solitary child was left here all alone, he did come, for the first time, just like that. Poor boy. And Valentino,' said Scrooge,' and his wild brother, Orson Welles; there they go. And what's his name, who was put down in his drawers, asleep, at the Gate of Damascus; don't you see him you blind prick?. And the Sultan's Groom turned upside down by the Genii; there he is upon his head. Serve him right the bastard. I'm glad of it. What business had he to be married to the Princess, why I’d have served her better than he.'
To hear Scrooge expending all the earnestness of his nature on such subjects, in a most extraordinary voice between laughing and crying; and to see his heightened and excited face; would have been a surprise to his business friends in the city, indeed.
`There's the bloody Parrot.' cried Scrooge. `Green body and yellow tail, with a thing like a lettuce growing out of the top of his head; there he is. Poor Robin Crusoe, he called him, when he came home again after sailing round the island. `Poor Robin Crusoe, where have you been, Robin Crusoe.' All the time until you had to throw a rock at it’s head to shut it up. The man thought he was dreaming, but he wasn't. It was the Parrot, you know. There goes Friday, running for his life to the little creek. Halloa. Hoop. Hallo.'
Then, with a rapidity of transition very foreign to his usual character, he said, in pity for his former self, `Poor boy.' and cried again.
`I wish,' Scrooge muttered, putting his hand in his pocket, and looking about him, after drying his eyes with his cuff: `but it's too late now.'
`What is the matter.' asked the Spirit. ‘What are you whinging about now?’
`Nothing, so shut your guts,' said Scrooge. `Nothing. There was a boy singing a Christmas Carol at my door last night. I should like to have given him something: that's all.'
‘You did give him something, cholera.’ The Ghost smiled thoughtfully, and waved its hand: saying as it did so, `Let us see another Christmas.'
Scrooge's former self grew larger at the words, and the room became a little darker and more dirty. The panels shrunk, the windows cracked; fragments of plaster fell out of the ceiling, and the naked laths were shown instead; but how all this was brought about, Scrooge knew no more than you do. He only knew that it was quite correct; that everything had happened so; that there he was, alone again, when all the other boys had gone home for the jolly holidays.
He was not reading now, but walking up and down despairingly. Scrooge looked at the Ghost, and with a mournful shaking of his head, glanced anxiously towards the door and wondered if the Ghost knew if Elvis was really dead.
It opened; and a little girl, much younger than the boy, came darting in, and putting her arms about his neck, and often kissing him, addressed him as her `Dear, dear brother.'
`I have come to bring you home, dear brother.' said the child, clapping her tiny hands, and bending down to laugh. `To bring you home, home, home.'
`Home, little Fan.' returned the boy who was oddly aroused by this activity.
`Yes.' said the child, brimful of glee. `Home, for good and all. Home, for ever and ever. Father is so much kinder than he used to be now that he’s laid off the grog, that home's like Heaven. He spoke so gently to me one dear night when I was going to bed, that I was not afraid to ask him once more if you might come home; and he said Yes, why not, I suppose so; and sent me in a coach to bring you. And you're to be a man.' said the child, opening her eyes,' and are never to come back here; but first, we're to be together all the Christmas long, and have the merriest time in all the world.'
`You are quite a woman, little Fan.' exclaimed the boy. ‘Quite a woman indeed.’
She clapped her hands and laughed, and tried to touch his head; but being too little, laughed again, and stood on tiptoe to embrace him. Then she began to drag him, in her childish eagerness, towards the door; and he, nothing loth to go, accompanied her.
A terrible voice in the hall cried.' Bring down Master Scrooge's box, there.' and in the hall appeared the schoolmaster himself, who glared on Master Scrooge with a ferocious condescension, and threw him into a dreadful state of mind by shaking hands with him. He then conveyed him and his sister into the veriest old well of a shivering best-parlour that ever was seen, where the maps upon the wall, and the celestial and terrestrial globes in the windows, were waxy with cold. Here he produced a decanter of curiously light wine, and a block of curiously heavy cake, and administered instalments of those dainties to the young people: at the same time, sending out a meagre servant to offer a glass of something to the pissboy, who answered that he thanked the gentleman, but if it was the same tap as he had tasted before, he had rather not. Master Scrooge's trunk being by this time tied on to the top of the chaise, the children bade the schoolmaster good-bye right willingly; and getting into it, drove gaily down the garden-sweep: the quick wheels dashing the hoar-frost and snow from off the dark leaves of the evergreens like spray.
`Always a delicate creature, whom a breath might have withered,' said the Ghost. `But she had large breasts.'
`So she had,' cried Scrooge. `You're right. I will not gainsay it, Spirit. God forbid. I did have the odd wank thinking about them.'
`She died a woman,' said the Ghost,' and had, as I think, children.'
`One child,' Scrooge returned. ‘And I have proof that it wasn’t mine.’
`You do?' said the Ghost. `Your nephew.'
Scrooge seemed uneasy in his mind as a thought crossed it; and answered briefly, `Yes, yes that’s what we said.'
Although they had but that moment left the school behind them, they were now in the busy thoroughfares of a city, where shadowy passengers passed and repassed; where the common people were busily mugging others; where shadowy carts and coaches battle for the way, and all the strife and tumult of a real city were. It was made plain enough, by the dressing of the shops, that here too it was Christmas time again; but it was evening, and the streets were lighted up.
The Ghost stopped at a certain warehouse door, and asked Scrooge if he knew it.
`Of course I know it, pinhead.' said Scrooge. `Was I apprenticed here.'
They went in. At sight of an old gentleman in a Welsh wig named Willard, sitting behind such a high desk, that if he had been two inches taller he must have knocked his head against the ceiling, Scrooge cried in great excitement:
`Why, it's old Gene Simmons. Bless his heart; it's Gene Simmons alive again.'
Old Gene Simmons laid down his pen, and looked up at the clock, which pointed to the hour of seven. He rubbed his hands; adjusted his capacious waistcoat; laughed all over himself, from his shows to his organ of benevolence; and called out in a comfortable, oily, rich, fat, jovial voice:
`Yo. Ebenezer. Dick head.'
Scrooge's former self, now grown a young man, came briskly in, accompanied by his fellow-prentice.
`Dick Wilkins, to be sure, that’s who he was calling, not me.' said Scrooge to the Ghost. `Bless me, yes. There he is. He was very much attached to me, was Dick. Poor Dick. Silly Dick. Dick did, did Dick? Dear, dear.'
`Yo my niggaz.' said Gene Simmons. `No more work to-night. Christmas Eve, Dick. Christmas, Ebenezer. Let's have the shutters up and trousers down,' cried old Gene Simmons, with a sharp clap of his hands,' before a man can say Jack Robinson or some other stupid name. Be quick, for tonight I have a date with a flagon of ale and a painted hussey.'
You wouldn't believe how those two fellows went at it. They charged into the street with the shutters -- one, two, three -- had them up in their places and sometimes in the right houses-- four, five, six -- barred up and pinned each other -- seven, eight, nine -- and came back before you could have got to twelve, panting like race-horses.
`Hilli-ho!' cried old Gene Simmons, skipping down from the high desk, with wonderful agility. `Clear away, my lads, and let's have lots of room here, I need to set up my porta-cot. Hilli-ho, Dick. Chirrup, Ebenezer.'
Clear away. There was nothing they wouldn't have cleared away, or couldn't have cleared away, with old Gene Simmons looking on. It was done in a minute. Every movable was packed off, as if it were dismissed from public life for evermore; the floor was swept and watered, the potted plants were urinated in, the lamps were trimmed, fuel was heaped upon the fire; and the warehouse was as snug, and warm, and dry, and bright a ball-room, as you would desire to see upon a winter's night.
In came a fiddler with a music-book, and went up to the lofty desk, and made an orchestra of it, and tuned like fifty stomach-aches. In came Mrs Gene Simmons, one vast substantial smile. In came the three Miss Gene Simmons, beaming and lovable. In came the six young followers whose hearts they broke but whom they often engaged in group sex when the urge overtook them. In came all the young men and women employed in the business. In came the housemaid, with her cousin, the wanker. In came the cook, with her brother's particular friend, the milkman. In came the boy from over the way whom no-one knew, who was suspected of not having board enough from his master; trying to hide himself behind the promiscuous girl from next door but one, who was proved to have had her ears pulled by her mistress. In they all came, one after another; some shyly, some boldly, some gracefully, some awkwardly, some pushing, some pulling; in they all came, anyhow and everyhow. Away they all went, twenty couple at once; hands half round and back again the other way; down the middle and up again; round and round in various stages of affectionate group copulating; old top couple always turning up in the wrong place; new top couple starting off again, as soon as they got there; all top couples at last, and not a bottom one to help them. When this result was brought about, old Gene Simmons, clapping his hands to stop the dance, cried out,' Well done.' and the fiddler plunged his hot member into a pot of porter, especially provided for that purpose. But scorning rest, upon his reappearance, he instantly began again, though there were no dancers yet, he was not called a fiddler for nothing, as if the other fiddler had been carried home, exhausted, on a shutter, and he were a bran-new man resolved to beat him out of sight, or perish.
There were more dances, and there were forfeits, and more dances, and there was cake, and there was orgies, and there was a great piece of Cold Roast, and there was a great piece of Cold Boiled, and there were mince-pies, and plenty of beer and video cameras. But the great effect of the evening came after the Roast and Boiled, when the fiddler (an artful dog, mind. The sort of man who knew his business better than you or I could have told it him.) struck up Sir Roger de Coverley.' Then old Gene Simmons stood out to dance with Mrs Gene Simmons. Top couple, too; with a good stiff piece of work cut out for them; three or four and twenty pair of partners; people who were not to be trifled with; people who would dance, and had no notion of walking.
But if they had been twice as many -- ah, four times -- old Gene Simmons would have been a match for them, and so would Mrs Gene Simmons. As to her, she was worthy to be his partner in every sense of the term. If that's not high praise, tell me higher, and I'll use it but until then keep your yap shut. A positive light appeared to issue from Gene Simmons's calves. They shone in every part of the dance like moons. You couldn't have predicted, at any given time, what would have become of them next. And when old Gene Simmons and Mrs Gene Simmons had gone all through the dance; advance and retire, both hands to your partner, bow and curtsey, screw, thread-the-needle, and back again to your place; Gene Simmons cut -- cut so deftly, that he appeared to wink with his legs, and came upon his feet again without a stagger.
When the clock struck eleven, this domestic ball broke up. Mr and Mrs Gene Simmons took their stations, one on either side of the door, and shaking hands with every person individually as he or she went out, wished him or her a Merry Christmas. When everybody had retired but the two prentices, they did the same to them; and thus the cheerful voices died away, and the lads were left to their beds; which were under a counter in the back-shop.
During the whole of this time, Scrooge had acted like a man out of his wits. His heart and soul were in the scene, and with his former self. He corroborated everything, remembered everything, enjoyed everything, and underwent the strangest agitation. It was not until now, when the bright faces of his former self and Dick were turned from them, that he remembered the Ghost, and became conscious that it was looking full upon him, while the light upon its head burnt very clear.
`A small matter,' said the Ghost,' to make these silly folks so full of gratitude.'
`Small.' echoed Scrooge.
The Spirit signed to him to listen to the two apprentices, who were pouring out their hearts in praise of Gene Simmons: and when he had done so, said,
`Why. Is it not. He has spent but a few pounds of your mortal money: three or four perhaps. Is that so much that he deserves this praise.'
`It isn't that,' said Scrooge, heated by the remark, and speaking unconsciously like his former, not his latter, self. `It isn't that, Spirit. He has the power to render us happy or unhappy; to make our service light or burdensome; a pleasure or a toil. Say that his power lies in words and looks; in things so slight and insignificant that it is impossible to add and count them up: what then. The happiness he gives, is quite as great as if it cost a fortune.'
He felt the Spirit's glance, and stopped.
`What is the matter.' asked the Ghost.
`Nothing in particular,' said Scrooge, turning away and hiding his eyes.
`Don’t try to bullshit me. Something, I think.' the Ghost insisted.
`No,' said Scrooge,' No. I should like to be able to say a word or two to my clerk just now without you sticking your beak in. That's all.'
His former self turned down the lamps and raised his pants as he gave utterance to the wish; and Scrooge and the Ghost again stood side by side in the open air.
`My time grows short,' observed the Spirit. `Quick. Hustle your skinny butt up.'
This was not addressed to Scrooge, or to any one whom he could see, but it produced an immediate effect. For again Scrooge saw himself. He was older now; a man in the prime of life. His face had not the harsh and rigid lines of later years; but it had begun to wear the signs of care and avarice. There was an eager, greedy, restless motion in the eye, which showed the passion that had taken root, and where the shadow of the growing tree would fall.
He was not alone, but sat by the side of a fair young girl in a mourning-dress: in whose eyes there were tears, which sparkled in the light that shone out of the Ghost of Christmas Past.
`It matters little,' she said, softly. `To you, very little. Another idol has displaced me; and if it can cheer and comfort you in time to come, as I would have tried to do, I have no just cause to grieve.'
`What Idol has displaced you.' he rejoined.
`A golden one.'
`Tough shit. This is the even-handed dealing of the world.' he said. `There is nothing on which it is so hard as poverty; and there is nothing it professes to condemn with such severity as the pursuit of wealth, such is the way of the world and quite frankly if you don’t like it then complain to a politician.'
`You fear the world too much,' she answered, gently. `All your other hopes have merged into the hope of being beyond the chance of its sordid reproach. I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one by one, until the master-passion, Gain, engrosses you. Have I not.'
`What then.' he retorted. `Even if I have grown so much wiser, what then. I am not changed towards you.'
She shook her head.
`Am I.'
`Our contract is an old one. It was made when we were both poor and content to be so, until, in good season, we could improve our worldly fortune by our patient industry. You are changed. When it was made, you were another man.'
`I was a boy,' he said impatiently ‘At least, I think I was.’
`Your own feeling tells you that you were not what you are,' she returned. `I am. That which promised happiness when we were one in heart, is fraught with misery now that we are two. How often and how keenly I have thought of this, I will not say. It is enough that I have thought of it, and can release you.'
`Have I ever sought release.'
`In words. No. Never.'
`In what, then.'
`In a changed nature; in an altered spirit; in another atmosphere of life; another Hope as its great end. In everything that made my love of any worth or value in your sight. If this had never been between us,' said the girl, looking mildly, but with steadiness, upon him;' tell me, would you seek me out and try to win me now. Ah, no.'
He seemed to yield to the justice of this supposition, in spite of himself. But he said with a struggle,' You think not.'
`I would gladly think otherwise if I could,' she answered, `Heaven knows. When I have learned a Truth like this, I know how strong and irresistible it must be. But if you were free to-day, to-morrow, yesterday, can even I believe that you would choose a dowerless girl -- you who, in your very confidence with her, weigh everything by Gain: or, choosing her, if for a moment you were false enough to your one guiding principle to do so, do I not know that your repentance and regret would surely follow. I do; and I release you. With a full heart, for the love of him you once were.'
He was about to speak; but with her head turned from him, she resumed.
`You may -- the memory of what is past half makes me hope you will -- have pain in this. A very, very brief time, and you will dismiss the recollection of it, gladly, as an unprofitable dream, from which it happened well that you awoke. May you be happy in the life you have chosen.'
She left him, and they parted.
`Spirit.' said Scrooge,' show me no more. Conduct me home. Why do you delight to torture me.'
`One shadow more.' exclaimed the Ghost.
`No more.' cried Scrooge. `No more, I don't wish to see it. Show me no more.'
But the relentless Ghost pinioned him in both his arms, and forced him to observe what happened next.
They were in another scene and place; a room, not very large or handsome, but full of comfort. Near to the winter fire sat a beautiful young girl, so like that last that Scrooge believed it was the same, until he saw her, now a comely matron, sitting opposite her daughter. The noise in this room was perfectly tumultuous, for there were more children there, than Scrooge in his agitated state of mind could count; and, unlike the celebrated herd in the poem, they were not forty children conducting themselves like one, but every child was conducting itself like forty. The consequences were uproarious beyond belief; but no one seemed to care; on the contrary, the mother and daughter laughed heartily, and enjoyed it very much; and the latter, soon beginning to mingle in the sports, got pillaged by the young brigands most ruthlessly. What would I not have given to one of them. Though I never could have been so rude, no, no. I wouldn't for the wealth of all the world have crushed that braided hair, and torn it down; and for the precious little shoe, I wouldn't have plucked it off, God bless my soul. to save my life. As to measuring her waist in sport, as they did, bold young brood, I couldn't have done it; I should have expected my arm to have grown round it for a punishment, and never come straight again. And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest licence of a child, and yet to have been man enough to know its value.
But now a knocking at the door was heard, and such a rush immediately ensued that she with laughing face and plundered dress was borne towards it the centre of a flushed and boisterous group, just in time to greet the father, who came home attended by a man laden with Christmas toys and presents. Then the shouting and the struggling, and the onslaught that was made on the defenceless porter. The scaling him with chairs for ladders to dive into his pockets, despoil him of brown-paper parcels, hold on tight by his cravat, hug him round his neck, pommel his back, and kick his legs in irrepressible affection. The shouts of wonder and delight with which the development of every package was received. The terrible announcement that the baby had been taken in the act of putting a doll's frying-pan into his mouth, and was more than suspected of having swallowed a fictitious turkey, glued on a wooden platter. The immense relief of finding this a false alarm. The joy, and gratitude, and ecstasy. They are all indescribable alike. It is enough that by degrees the children and their emotions got out of the parlour, and by one stair at a time, up to the top of the house; where they went to bed, and so subsided.
And now Scrooge looked on more attentively than ever, when the master of the house, having his daughter leaning fondly on him, sat down with her and her mother at his own fireside; and when he thought that such another creature, quite as graceful and as full of promise, might have called him father, and been a spring-time in the haggard winter of his life, his sight grew very dim indeed.
`Belle,' said the husband, turning to his wife with a smile,' I saw an old friend of yours this afternoon.'
`Who was it.'
`Guess.'
`How can I. Tut, don't I know.' she added in the same breath, laughing as he laughed. `Mr Scrooge.'
`Mr Scrooge it was. I passed his office window; and as it was not shut up, and he had a candle inside, I could scarcely help seeing him. His partner lies upon the point of death, I hear; and there he sat alone. Quite alone in the world, I do believe.'
`Spirit.' said Scrooge in a broken voice,' remove me from this place.'
`I told you these were shadows of the things that have been,' said the Ghost. `That they are what they are, do not blame me.'
`Remove me.' Scrooge exclaimed,' I cannot bear it.'
He turned upon the Ghost, and seeing that it looked upon him with a face, in which in some strange way there were fragments of all the faces it had shown him, wrestled with it.
`Leave me. Take me back. Haunt me no longer.'
In the struggle, if that can be called a struggle in which the Ghost with no visible resistance on its own part was undisturbed by any effort of its adversary, Scrooge observed that its light was burning high and bright; and dimly connecting that with its influence over him, he seized the extinguisher-cap, and by a sudden action pressed it down upon its head.
The Spirit dropped beneath it, so that the extinguisher covered its whole form; but though Scrooge pressed it down with all his force, he could not hide the light, which streamed from under it, in an unbroken flood upon the ground.
He was conscious of being exhausted, and overcome by an irresistible drowsiness; and, further, of being in his own bedroom. He gave the cap a parting squeeze, in which his hand relaxed; and had barely time to reel to bed, before he sank into a heavy sleep.

Stave 3: The Second of the Three Spirits

Awaking in the middle of a prodigiously loud discharge, and sitting up in bed to get his thoughts together, Scrooge had no occasion to be told that the bell was again upon the stroke of One. He felt that he was restored to consciousness in the right nick of time, for the especial purpose of holding a conference with the second messenger despatched to him through Bob Marley's intervention. But, finding that he turned uncomfortably cold when he began to wonder which of his curtains this new spectre would draw back, he put them every one aside with his own hands, and lying down again, established a sharp look-out all round the bed complete with land mines and anti-personell mines known as Bouncing Bettys. For, he wished to challenge the Spirit on the moment of its appearance, and did not wish to be taken by surprise, and made nervous and quite possibly soil his own bed clothings once more.
Gentlemen of the free-and-easy sort, who plume themselves on being acquainted with a move or two, who hang out in pubs boasting about the sexual habits of their partners, and being usually equal to the time-of-day, express the wide range of their capacity for adventure by observing that they are good for anything from pitch-and-toss of midgets to manslaughter of ferrets; between which opposite extremes, no doubt, there lies a tolerably wide and comprehensive range of subjects but don’t quote me on that. Without venturing for Scrooge quite as hardily as this, I don't mind calling on you to believe that he was ready for a good broad field of strange appearances, and that nothing between a baby’s arm holding an apple and rhinoceros would have astonished him very much.
Now, being prepared for almost anything, he was not by any means prepared for nothing – if that indeed makes sense and indeed it does not, but who cares? -- and, consequently, when the Bell struck One, and no shape appeared, he was taken with a violent fit of flatulence. Five minutes, ten minutes, a quarter of an hour went by, all the time Scrooge manipulated his organ, yet nothing came. All this time, he lay upon his bed, the very core and centre of a blaze of ruddy light, which streamed upon it when the clock proclaimed the hour; and which, being only light, was more alarming than a dozen ghosts, as he was powerless to make out what it meant, or would be at; and was sometimes apprehensive that he might be at that very moment an interesting case of spontaneous combustion, -- as did happen to an acquaintance during a mild game of ‘Light The Farts’ -- without having the consolation of knowing it. At last, however, he began to think -- as you or I would have thought at first; for it is always the person not in the predicament who knows what ought to have been done in it, and would unquestionably have done it too, much like a Rambo movie -- at last, I say, he began to think that the source and secret of this ghostly light might be in the adjoining room, from whence, on further tracing it, it seemed to shine. This idea taking full possession of his mind, he got up softly and shuffled in his slippers to the door.
The moment Scrooge's hand was on his cock, a strange voice called him by his name, and bade him enter. He obeyed.
It was his own room. There was no doubt about that. But it had undergone a surprising transformation. The walls and ceiling were so hung with living green, that it looked a perfect grove; from every part of which, bright gleaming berries glistened. The crisp leaves of holly, mistletoe, and ivy reflected back the light, as if so many little mirrors had been scattered there; and such a mighty blaze went roaring up the chimney, as that dull petrification of a hearth had never known in Scrooge's time, or Bob Marley's, or for many and many a winter season gone. Heaped up on the floor, to form a kind of throne, were turkeys, geese, wildebeast bile, game, poultry, brawn, great joints, sucking-pigs, hookers, long wreaths of sausages, mince-pies, plum-puddings, barrels of oysters, red-hot nuts, get your red-hot nuts here, cherry-cheeked apples, juicy oranges, luscious pears, immense breasts, and seething bowls of rusty curry water, that made the chamber dim with their delicious steam. In easy state upon this couch, there sat a jolly Green Giant, glorious to see:, who bore a glowing torch, in shape not unlike Plenty's horn, and held it up, high up, to shed its light on Scrooge, as he came peeping round the door.
`Come in.' exclaimed the Ghost. `Come in. and know me better, mon.'
Scrooge entered timidly, and hung his head before this Spirit. He was not the dogged Scrooge he had been; and though the Spirit's eyes were clear and kind, he did not like to meet them.
`I am the Ghost of Christmas Present,' said the Spirit. `Look upon me, am I not brilliantly endowed?'
Scrooge reverently did so. It was clothed in one simple green robe, or mantle, bordered with white fur. This garment hung so loosely on the figure, that its capacious loins was bare, as if disdaining to be warded or concealed by any artifice. Its member, observable beneath the ample folds of the garment, was also bare; and on its head it wore no other covering than a holly wreath, set here and there with shining icicles. Its dark brown curls were long and free; free as its genial face, its sparkling eye, its open hand, its cheery voice, its clenched buttocks, its unconstrained demeanour, and its joyful air. Girded round its middle was an antique scabbard; but no sword was in it, and the ancient sheath was eaten up with rust.
`You have never seen the like of me before,' exclaimed the Spirit, ‘And you’re unlikely to ever again.’
`Never,' Scrooge made answer to it and settling down for what was surely to come next.
`Have never walked forth, or even fifth let alone third with the younger members of my family; meaning (for I am very young) my elder brothers born in these later years.' pursued the Phantom.
`I don't think I have,' said Scrooge. `I am afraid I have not. Have you had many brothers, Casper? Or is it just the drugs that Bob Marley brought with him?’
`More than eighteen hundred,' said the Ghost looking oddly back at Scrooge. ‘No drugs.’
`A tremendous family to provide for, I’d be buggered getting the beers in for that lot.' muttered Scrooge.
The Ghost of Christmas Present rose, muttering all the time to itself a single word, ‘Casper?’
`Casper,' said Scrooge submissively,' conduct me where you will, you will find I care not a whit. I went forth last night on compulsion, and I learnt a lesson which is working now unlike my prostate. To-night, if you have aught to teach me, let me profit by it, either shit or get off the pot.'
`Touch my penis.'
Scrooge did as he was told, and held it fast.
Holly, mistletoe, red berries, ivy, turkeys, geese, pork rinds, game, poultry, brawn, meat, pigs and detective inspectors, sausages, oysters, pies, hairy rats doodles, puddings, fruits, and punch, all vanished instantly. So did the room, the fire, the ruddy glow, the hour of night, and they stood in the city streets on Christmas morning, where (for the weather was severe) the people made a rough, but brisk and not unpleasant kind of music, in scraping the snow from the pavement in front of their dwellings, and from the tops of their houses, whence it was mad delight to the boys to see it come plumping down into the road below, and splitting into artificial little snow-storms.
‘Jaysus Casper, do you mind,’ uttered Scrooge, ‘I think I left my lunch back there.’
The house fronts looked black enough, and the people blacker, contrasting with the smooth white sheet of snow upon the roofs, and with the dirtier snow upon the ground; which last deposit had been ploughed up in deep furrows by the heavy wheels of carts and cat drawn waggons; furrows that crossed and recrossed each other hundreds of times where the great streets branched off; and made intricate channels, hard to trace in the thick yellow piss stained mud and icy water. The sky was gloomy, and the shortest streets were choked up with a dingy mist, half thawed, half frozen, half empty, half full, whose heavier particles descended in shower of sooty atoms, as if all the chimneys in Great Britain had, by one consent, caught fire, and were blazing away to their dear hearts' content. There was nothing very cheerful in the climate or the town, and yet was there an air of cheerfulness abroad that the clearest summer air and brightest summer sun might have endeavoured to diffuse in vain.
For, the people who were shovelling away on the housetops were jovial and full of glee; calling out to one another from the parapets, and now and then exchanging a faectious snowball -- better-natured missile far than many a wordy jest for there is nothing funnier than shit in the eye -- laughing heartily if it went right and not less heartily if it went wrong. The hookers were still half open, and the fruits' were radiant in their glory as they minced it up in their finery. There were great, round, pot-bellied baskets of chestnuts, shaped like the waistcoats of jolly old gentlemen, lolling at the doors, and tumbling out into the street in their apoplectic opulence. There were ruddy, brown-faced, broad-girthed Spanish Friars, and winking from their shelves in wanton slyness at the girls as they went by, offer them half a crown for a hand job, two crowns for the full thing and glanced demurely at the hung-up mistletoe. There were pears, ferrets and apples, clustered high in blooming pyramids; there were bunches of grapes, made, in the shopkeepers' benevolence to dangle from conspicuous hooks, that people's pants might water gratis as they passed; there were piles of Flauberts, mossy and brown, recalling, in their fragrance, ancient walks among the woods, and pleasant shufflings ankle deep through withered leaves and sewage water; there were Norfolk Biffins, squab and swarthy, setting off the yellow of the oranges and lemons, and, in the great compactness of their juicy persons, urgently entreating and beseeching to be carried home in paper bags and eaten after dinner. The very gold and silver fish, set forth among these choice fruits in a bowl, though members of a dull and stagnant-blooded race, appeared to know that there was something going on; and, to a fish, went gasping round and round their little world in slow and passionless excitement.
The Grocers'. oh the Grocers'. nearly closed by the Health And Safety Department, with perhaps two shutters down, or one; but through those gaps such glimpses. It was not alone that the scales descending on the counter made a merry sound, or that the twine and roller parted company so briskly, or that the canisters were rattled up and down like juggling tricks, or even that the blended scents of week old tea and coffee were so grateful to the nose, or even that the left over raisins were so plentiful and rare, the almonds from three seasons past so extremely white, the sticks of cinnamon so long and straight and phallic, the other Spice Girls so delicious –except for that harradin Posh and her of the rapidly expanding girth, Baby --, the candied fruits so caked and spotted with mouldy sugar as to make the coldest lookers-on feel faint and subsequently bulious. Nor was it that the figs were pulp, or that the French maidens blushed in modest tartness from their highly-decorated boxes, or that nothing really was good to eat and in its Christmas dress; but the customers were all so hurried and so eager in the hopeful promise of the day, that they tumbled up against each other at the door, crashing their wicker baskets wildly, and left their purchases upon the counter, and came running back to fetch them, and committed hundreds of the like mistakes, in the best humour possible; while the Grocer and his people were so frank and fresh in their over-charging and refusal to give the appropiate change that the polished hearts with which they fastened their aprons behind might have been their own, worn outside for general inspection, and for Christmas daws to peck at if they chose.
But soon the steeples called good people all, to church and chapel and outhouse, and away they came, flocking through the streets in their best clothes, and with their gayest faces all the time dancing to Duran Duran. And at the same time there emerged from scores of bye-streets, lanes, and nameless turnings, innumerable people, carrying their dinners and weapons to the baker' shops. The sight of these poor revellers appeared to interest the Spirit very much, for he stood with Scrooge beside him in a baker's doorway, and taking off the covers as their bearers passed, sprinkled incense on their dinners from his torch. And it was a very uncommon kind of torch, for once or twice when there were angry words between some dinner-carriers who had jostled each other, he shed a few drops of water on them from it, and their good humour was restored directly. For they said, it was a shame to quarrel upon Christmas Day. And so it was. God love it, so it was.
In time the bells ceased, and the bakers were shut up and some were indeed sleeping with the fishes; and yet there was a genial shadowing forth of all these dinners and the progress of their cooking, in the thawed blotch of wet above each baker's oven; where the pavement smoked as if its stones were cooking too.
`Is there a peculiar flavour in what you sprinkle from your torch.' asked Scrooge.
`There is. My own home made crack.'
`Would it apply to any kind of dinner on this day,' asked Scrooge ‘And may I have a snort?’
`To any kindly given. To a poor one most and unless you have about twenty bucks in your pockets then forget it.'
`Why to a poor one most,’ asked Scrooge ‘And it appears that I left my change in my other pants.’
`Because it needs it most and that’s just tough isn’t it?'
`Casper,' said Scrooge, after a moment's thought,' I wonder you, of all the beings in the many worlds about us, should desire to provide camp music to these people's opportunities of innocent enjoyment.'
`I.' cried the Spirit.
`You would deprive them of their means of dining every seventh day, often the only day on which they can be said to dine at all,' said Scrooge. `Wouldn't you? Well? Come on then?'
`I.' cried the Spirit.
`You seek to close these places on the Seventh Day you stuttering bastard.' said Scrooge. `And it comes to the same thing.'
`I seek.' exclaimed the Spirit.
`Forgive me if I am wrong but in your heart and mine we both know I am not. It has been done in your name, or at least in that of your family,' said Scrooge.
`There are some upon this earth of yours,' returned the Spirit,' who lay claim to know us, and who do their deeds of passion, pride, ill-will, hatred, envy, bigotry, and selfishness in our name, who are as strange to us and all out kith and kin, as if they had never lived. They are known as the Liberal Party. Remember that, and charge their doings on themselves, not us.'
Scrooge promised that he would; and they went on, invisible, as they had been before, into the suburbs of the town. It was a remarkable quality of the Ghost (which Scrooge had observed at the wanker's),
that notwithstanding his gigantic length and girth, he could accommodate himself to any place with ease; and that he stood beneath a low roof quite as gracefully and like a supernatural creature, as it was possible he could have done in any lofty hall.
And perhaps it was the pleasure the good Spirit had in showing off this power of his, or else it was his own kind, generous, hearty nature, and his sympathy with all poor men, that led him straight to Scrooge's clerk's; for there he went, and took Scrooge with him, holding to his robe; and on the threshold of the door the Spirit smiled as he silently passed wind, and stopped to bless Bob Crackshite's dwelling with the sprinkling of his urine by the front door. Think of that. Bob had but fifteen bob a-week himself; he pocketed on Saturdays but fifteen copies of his Christian name and twenty copies of Hooters Monthly stashed underneath his mattress; and yet the Ghost of Christmas Present blessed his four-roomed house and two car garage. Then up rose Mrs Crackshite, Crackshite's wife, dressed out but poorly in a twice-turned gown, but brave in ribbons, which are cheap and make a goodly show for sixpence; and she touched cloth, assisted by Belinda Crackshite, second of her daughters, also brave in ribbons; while Master Peter Crackshite plunged into the saucepan of potatoes, and getting the corners of his monstrous shirt collar (Bob's private property, conferred upon his son and heir in honour of the day) into his mouth, rejoiced to find himself so gallantly attired, and yearned to show his linen in the fashionable Parks. And now two smaller Crackshites, boy and girl, came tearing in, screaming that outside the baker's they had smelt that the bakers they had eaten eggs, and known it for their own; and basking in luxurious thoughts of sage and onion, these young Crackshites danced about the table, and exalted Master Peter Crackshite to the skies, while he (not proud, although his collars nearly choked him) blew on the fire, until the slow potatoes bubbling up, knocked loudly at the saucepan-lid to be let out and peeled.
`What has ever got up your precious father then.' said Mrs Crackshite. `And your brother, Tiny Tim, as he tip toes through the tulips. And Martha warn't as late last Christmas Day by half-an-hour.'
`Here's Martha, mother.' said a girl, appearing as she spoke, thus speaking as she appeared.
`Here's Martha, mother.' cried the two young Crackshites. `Hurrah. There's such a goose, Martha.'
`Why, I am not deaf you little urchins, and bless your heart alive, my dear, how late you are.' said Mrs Crackshite, kissing her a dozen times in a dozen places, and taking off her shawl and bonnet for her with officious zeal and lust.
`We'd a deal of work to finish up last night,' replied the girl,' and had to clear away this morning, mother.'
`Well. Never mind so long as you are come,' said Mrs Crackshite. `Sit ye down before the fire, my dear, and have a warm, Lord bless ye.'
`No, no. There's father coming,' cried the two young Crackshites, who were everywhere at once. `Hide, Martha, hide before he enters you.'
So Martha hid herself, and in came little Bob, the father, with at least three feet of comforter exclusive of the fringe, hanging down before him; and his threadbare clothes darned up and brushed, to look seasonable; and Tiny Tim upon his shoulder. Alas for Tiny Tim, he bore a little crotch, and had his limbs supported by an iron frame.
`Why, where's our Martha.' cried Bob Crackshite, looking round.
`Not coming,' said Mrs Crackshite.
`Not coming! My arse!!' said Bob, with a sudden declension in his high spirits; for he had been Tim's blood horse all the way from church, and had come home rampant. `Not coming upon Christmas Day? Jaysus!'
Martha didn't like to see him disappointed, if it were only in joke; so she came prematurely from behind the closet door, and ran into his arms, while the two young Crackshites hustled Tiny Tim, and bore him off into the wash-house, that they might a few bob from selling him to the local copper.
`And how did little Tim behave, was he a prick like normal?’ asked Mrs Crackshite, when she had rallied Bob on his credulity, and Bob had hugged his daughter to his heart's content.
`As good as gold,' said Bob,'and better. Somehow he gets thoughtful, sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever heard. He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk, and blind men see, that and he thinks that people might give him more money.'
Bob's voice was tremulous when he told them this, and trembled more when he said that Tiny Tim was growing strong and hearty.
His active little crotch was heard upon the floor, and back came Tiny Tim before another word was spoken, escorted by his brother and sister to pass his stool before the fire; and while Bob, turning up his cuffs -- as if, poor fellow, they were capable of being made more shabby -- compounded some hot mixture in a jug with gin and lemons, and stirred it round and round and put it on the hob to simmer; Master Peter, and the two ubiquitous young Crackshites went to flog the goose, with which they soon returned in high procession.
Such a bustle ensued that you might have thought a goose the rarest of all birds; a feathered phenomenon, to which a black swan was a matter of course -- and in truth it was something very like it in that house. Mrs Crackshite spat in the gravy (ready beforehand in a little saucepan) hissing hot; Master Peter mashed the potatoes with incredible vigour and added his own form of a milky substance; Miss Belinda sweetened up the apple-sauce; Martha dusted the hot plates and generally slackened off; Bob took Tiny Tim beside him in a tiny corner at the table; the two young Crackshites set chairs for everybody, not forgetting themselves, and mounting guard upon their posts, crammed spoons into their mouths, lest they should shriek for goose before their turn came to be helped. At last the dishes were set on, and grace was said. It was succeeded by a breathless pause, as Mrs Crackshite, looking slowly all along the carving-knife, prepared to plunge it in her breast; but when she did, and when the long expected gush of stuffing issued forth, one murmur of delight arose all round the board, and even Tiny Tim, excited by the two young Crackshites, beat on the table with the handle of his knife, and feebly cried Hurrah.
There never was such a goose. Bob said he didn't believe there ever was such a goose cooked. Its tenderness and flavour, size and cheapness, were the themes of universal admiration. Eked out by apple-sauce and mashed potatoes, it was a sufficient dinner for the whole family; indeed, as Mrs Crackshite said with great delight (surveying one small atom of a bone upon the dish), they hadn't ate it all at last. Yet every one had had enough, and the youngest Crackshites in particular, were steeped in sage and onion to the eyebrows. But now, the plates being changed by Miss Belinda, Mrs Crackshite left the room alone -- too nervous to bear witnesses -- to take the pudding up and bring it in.
Suppose it should not be done enough. Suppose it should break in turning out. Suppose somebody should have got over the wall of the back-yard, and stolen it, while they were merry with the goose -- a supposition at which the two young Crackshites became livid. All sorts of horrors were supposed.
Hallo. A great deal of steam. The pudding was out of the copper. A smell like a washing-day. That was the cloth. A smell like an eating-house and a pastrycook's next door to each other, with a laundress's next door to that. That was the pudding. In half a minute Mrs Crackshite entered -- flushed, but smiling proudly -- with the pudding, like a speckled cannon-ball, so hard and firm, blazing in half of half-a-quartern of ignited brandy, and bedight with Christmas holly stuck into the top.
Oh, a wonderful pudding. Bob Crackshite said, and calmly too, that he regarded it as the greatest success achieved by Mrs Crackshite since their marriage. Mrs Crackshite said that now the weight was off her mind, she would confess she had had her doubts about the quantity of flour. Everybody had something to say about it, but nobody said or thought it was at all a small pudding for a large family. It would have been flat heresy to do so. Any Crackshite would have blushed to hint at such a thing.
At last the dinner was all done, the cloth was cleared, the hearth swept, and the fire made up. The compound in the jug being tasted, and considered perfect, apples and oranges were put upon the table, and a shovel-full of chestnuts on the fire. Then all the Crackshite family drew round the hearth, in what Bob Crackshite called a circle, meaning half a one; and at Bob Crackshite's elbow stood the family display of glass. Two tumblers, and a custard-cup without a handle.
These held the hot stuff from the jug, however, as well as golden goblets would have done; and Bob served it out with beaming looks, while the chestnuts on the fire sputtered and cracked noisily. Then Bob proposed:
`A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears. God bless us.'
Which all the family re-echoed.
`God bless us every one.' said Tiny Tim, the last of all.
He sat very close to his father's side upon his little stool. Bob held his withered little hand in his, as if he loved the child, and wished to keep him by his side, and dreaded that he might be taken from him.
`Casper,' said Scrooge, with an interest he had never felt before, `tell me if Tiny Tim will live.'
`Nah, I see a vacant seat,' replied the Ghost, `in the poor chimney-corner, and a crutch without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, the child will pop his clogs.'
`No, no,' said Scrooge. `Oh, no, kind Casper. say he will be spared.'
`If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, none other of my race,' returned the Ghost, `will find him here. What then. If he be like to die, he had better do it, and decrease the surplus population, a blight on humanity he is. And if you don’t stop calling me Casper I’m going to smash your bloody face in.'
Scrooge hung his head to hear his own words quoted by the Spirit, and was overcome with penitence and grief. `Mon,' said the Ghost, `if man you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked cant until you have discovered What the surplus is, and Where it is. Will you decide what men shall live, what men shall die? Just who the devil do you think you are? It may be, that in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man's child. Oh God. to hear the Insect on the leaf pronouncing on the too much life among his hungry brothers in the dust. Such hypocrisy, such arrogance.'
Scrooge bent before the Ghost's rebuke, and trembling cast his eyes upon the ground. But he raised them speedily, on hearing his own name.
`Mr Scrooge.' said Bob; `I'll give you Mr Scrooge, the Founder of the Feast.'
`The Founder of the Feast indeed.' cried Mrs Crackshite, reddening. `I wish I had him here. I'd give him a piece of my mind and a smack around the ear’ole to feast upon, and I hope he'd have a good appetite for it.'
`My dear,' said Bob, `the children. Christmas Day.'
`It should be Christmas Day, I am sure,' said she, `on which one drinks the health of such an odious, stingy, hard, unfeeling man as Mr Scrooge. You know he is, Robert. Nobody knows it better than you do, poor fellow.'
`My dear,' was Bob's mild answer, `Christmas Day.'
`Ahhh shuddap you parroting bastard, I'll drink his health for your sake and the Day's,' said Mrs Crackshite, `not for his. Long life to him. A merry Christmas and a happy new year. He'll be very merry and very happy, I have no doubt.'
The children drank the toast after her. It was the first of their proceedings which had no heartiness. Tiny Tim drank it last of all, but he didn't care twoshits for it. Scrooge was the Ogre of the family. The mention of his name cast a dark shadow on the party, which was not dispelled for full five minutes.
After it had passed away, they were ten times merrier than before, from the mere relief of Scrooge the Baleful being done with. Bob Crackshite told them how he had a situation in his eye for Master Peter, which would bring in, if obtained, full five-and-sixpence weekly. The two young Crackshites laughed tremendously at the idea of Peter's being a man of business; and Peter himself looked thoughtfully at the fire from between his collars, as if he were deliberating what particular investments he should favour when he came into the receipt of that bewildering income. Martha, who was a poor apprentice at a milliner's, then told them what kind of work she had to do, and how many hours she worked at a stretch, and how she meant to lie abed to-morrow morning for a good long rest; to-morrow being a holiday she passed at home. Also how she had seen a countess and a lord some days before, and how the lord was much about as tall as Peter;' at which Peter pulled up his collars so high that you couldn't have seen his head if you had been there. All this time the chestnuts and the jug went round and round; and by-and-bye they had a song, about a lost child travelling in the snow, from Tiny Tim, who had a plaintive little voice, and sang it very well indeed.
There was nothing of high mark in this. They were not a handsome family; they were not well dressed; their shoes were far from being water-proof; their clothes were scanty; and Peter might have known, and very likely did, the inside of a pawnbroker's. But, they were happy, grateful, pleased with one another, and contented with the time; and when they faded, and looked happier yet in the bright sprinklings of the Spirit's torch at parting, Scrooge had his eye upon them, and especially on Tiny Tim, until the last.
By this time it was getting dark, and snowing pretty heavily; and as Scrooge and the Spirit went along the streets, the brightness of the roaring fires in kitchens, parlours, and all sorts of rooms, was wonderful. Here, the flickering of the blaze showed preparations for a cosy dinner, with hot plates baking through and through before the fire, and deep red curtains, ready to be drawn to shut out cold and darkness. There all the children of the house were running out into the snow to meet their married sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles, aunts, and be the first to greet them. Here, again, were shadows on the window-blind of guests assembling; and there a group of handsome girls, all hooded and fur-booted, and all chattering at once, tripped lightly off to some near neighbour's house; where, woe upon the single man who saw them enter -- artful witches, well they knew it -- in a glow.
But, if you had judged from the numbers of people on their way to friendly gatherings, you might have thought that no one was at home to give them welcome when they got there, instead of every house expecting company, and piling up its fires half-chimney high. Blessings on it, how the Ghost exulted. How it bared its breadth of breast, and opened its capacious palm, and floated on, outpouring, with a generous hand, its bright and harmless mirth on everything within its reach. The very lamplighter, who ran on before, dotting the dusky street with specks of light, and who was dressed to spend the evening somewhere, laughed out loudly as the Spirit passed, though little kenned the lamplighter that he had any company but Christmas.
And now, without a word of warning from the Ghost, they stood upon a bleak and desert moor, where monstrous masses of rude stone were cast about, as though it were the burial-place of giants; and water spread itself wheresoever it listed, or would have done so, but for the frost that held it prisoner; and nothing grew but moss and furze, and coarse rank grass. Down in the west the setting sun had left a streak of fiery red, which glared upon the desolation for an instant, like a sullen eye, and frowning lower, lower, lower yet, was lost in the thick gloom of darkest night.
`What place is this.' asked Scrooge.
`A place where Miners live, who labour in the bowels of the earth,' returned the Spirit. `But they know me. See.'
Alight shone from the window of a hut, and swiftly they advanced towards it. Passing through the wall of mud and stone, they found a cheerful company assembled round a glowing fire. An old, old man and woman, with their children and their children's children, and another generation beyond that, all decked out gaily in their holiday attire. The old man, in a voice that seldom rose above the howling of the wind upon the barren waste, was singing them a Christmas song -- it had been a very old song when he was a boy -- and from time to time they all joined in the chorus. So surely as they raised their voices, the old man got quite blithe and loud; and so surely as they stopped, his vigour sank again.
The Spirit did not tarry here, but bade Scrooge hold his robe, and passing on above the moor, sped -- whither. Not to sea. To sea. To Scrooge's horror, looking back, he saw the last of the land, a frightful range of rocks, behind them; and his ears were deafened by the thundering of water, as it rolled and roared, and raged among the dreadful caverns it had worn, and fiercely tried to undermine the earth.
Built upon a dismal reef of sunken rocks, some league or so from shore, on which the waters chafed and dashed, the wild year through, there stood a solitary lighthouse. Great heaps of sea-weed clung to its base, and storm-birds -- born of the wind one might suppose, as sea-weed of the water -- rose and fell about it, like the waves they skimmed.
But even here, two men who watched the light had made a fire, that through the loophole in the thick stone wall shed out a ray of brightness on the awful sea. Joining their horny hands over the rough table at which they sat, they wished each other Merry Christmas in their can of grog; and one of them: the elder, too, with his face all damaged and scarred with hard weather, as the figure-head of an old ship might be: struck up a sturdy song that was like a Gale in itself.
Again the Ghost sped on, above the black and heaving sea -- on, on -- until, being far away, as he told Scrooge, from any shore, they lighted on a ship. They stood beside the helmsman at the wheel, the look-out in the bow, the officers who had the watch; dark, ghostly figures in their several stations; but every man among them hummed a Christmas tune, or had a Christmas thought, or spoke below his breath to his companion of some bygone Christmas Day, with homeward hopes belonging to it. And every man on board, waking or sleeping, good or bad, had had a kinder word for another on that day than on any day in the year; and had shared to some extent in its festivities; and had remembered those he cared for at a distance, and had known that they delighted to remember him.
It was a great surprise to Scrooge, while listening to the moaning of the wind, and thinking what a solemn thing it was to move on through the lonely darkness over an unknown abyss, whose depths were secrets as profound as Death: it was a great surprise to Scrooge, while thus engaged, to hear a hearty laugh. It was a much greater surprise to Scrooge to recognise it as his own nephew's and to find himself in a bright, dry, gleaming room, with the Spirit standing smiling by his side, and looking at that same nephew with approving affability.
`Ha, ha.' laughed Scrooge's nephew. `Ha, ha, ha, and again I say, ha, ha, ha.'
If you should happen, by any unlikely chance, to know a man more blest in a laugh than Scrooge's nephew, all I can say is, I should like to know him too. Introduce him to me, and I'll cultivate his acquaintance.
It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good-humour. When Scrooge's nephew laughed in this way: holding his sides, rolling his head, and twisting his face into the most extravagant contortions: Scrooge's niece, by marriage, laughed as heartily as he. And their assembled friends being not a bit behindhand, roared out lustily.
`Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.'
`He said that Christmas was bullshite, as I live.' cried Scrooge's nephew. `He believed it too.'
`Stiff for him, Fred.' said Scrooge's niece, indignantly. Bless those women; they never do anything by halves. They are always in earnest.
She was very pretty: exceedingly pretty. With a dimpled, surprised-looking, capital face; a ripe little mouth, that seemed made to be kissed -- as no doubt it was; all kinds of good little dots about her chin, that melted into one another when she laughed; and the sunniest pair of eyes you ever saw in any little creature's head. Altogether she was what you would have called provoking, you know; but satisfactory,
`He's a comical old fellow,' said Scrooge's nephew,' that's the truth: and not so pleasant as he might be. However, his offences carry their own punishment, and I have nothing to say against him.'
`He’s a bloody fool and I'm sure he is very rich, Fred,' hinted Scrooge's niece. `At least you always tell me so.'
`What of that, my dear.' said Scrooge's nephew. `His wealth is of no use to him. He don't do any good with it. He don't make himself comfortable with it. He hasn't the satisfaction of thinking -- ha, ha, ha. -- that he is ever going to benefit us with it.'
`I have no patience with him,' observed Scrooge's niece. Scrooge's niece's sisters, and all the other ladies, expressed the same opinion.
`Oh, I have.' said Scrooge's nephew. `I am sorry for him; I couldn't be angry with him if I tried. Who suffers by his ill whims. Himself, always. Here, he takes it into his head to dislike us, and he won't come and dine with us. What's the consequence. He don't lose much of a dinner.'
`Indeed, I think he loses a very good dinner,' interrupted Scrooge's niece. Everybody else said the same, and they must be allowed to have been competent judges, because they had just had dinner; and, with the dessert upon the table, were clustered round the fire, by lamplight.
`Well. I'm very glad to hear it,' said Scrooge's nephew, `because I haven't great faith in these young housekeepers. What do you say, Topper.'
Topper had clearly got his eye upon one of Scrooge's niece's sisters, for he answered that a bachelor was a wretched outcast, who had no right to express an opinion on the subject. Whereat Scrooge's niece's sister -- the plump one with the lace tucker: not the one with the roses -- blushed.
`Do go on, Fred,' said Scrooge's niece, clapping her hands. `He never finishes what he begins to say. He is such a ridiculous fellow.'
Scrooge's nephew revelled in another laugh, and as it was impossible to keep the infection off; though the plump sister tried hard to do it with aromatic vinegar; his example was unanimously followed.
`I was only going to say,' said Scrooge's nephew,' that the consequence of his taking a dislike to us, and not making merry with us, is, as I think, that he loses some pleasant moments, which could do him no harm. I am sure he loses pleasanter companions than he can find in his own thoughts, either in his mouldy old office, or his dusty chambers. I mean to give him the same chance every year, whether he likes it or not, for I pity him. He may rail at Christmas till he dies, but he can't help thinking better of it -- I defy him -- if he finds me going there, in good temper, year after year, and saying Uncle Scrooge, how are you. If it only puts him in the vein to leave his poor clerk fifty pounds, that's something; and I think I shook him yesterday.'
It was their turn to laugh now at the notion of his shaking Scrooge. But being thoroughly good-natured, and not much caring what they laughed at, so that they laughed at any rate, he encouraged them in their merriment, and passed the bottle joyously.
After tea. they had some music. For they were a musical family, and knew what they were about, when they sung a Glee or Catch, I can assure you: especially Topper, who could growl away in the bass like a good one, and never swell the large veins in his forehead, or get red in the face over it. Scrooge's niece played well upon the harp; and played among other tunes a simple little air (a mere nothing: you might learn to whistle it in two minutes), which had been familiar to the child who fetched Scrooge from the boarding-school, as he had been reminded by the Ghost of Christmas Past. When this strain of music sounded, all the things that Ghost had shown him, came upon his mind; he softened more and more; and thought that if he could have listened to it often, years ago, he might have cultivated the kindnesses of life for his own happiness with his own hands, without resorting to the sexton's spade that buried Jacob Marley.
But they didn't devote the whole evening to music. After a while they played at forfeits; for it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child himself. Stop. There was first a game at blind-man's buff. Of course there was. And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage on the credulity of human nature. Knocking down the fire-irons, tumbling over the chairs, bumping against the piano, smothering himself among the curtains, wherever she went, there went he. He always knew where the plump sister was. He wouldn't catch anybody else. If you had fallen up against him (as some of them did), on purpose, he would have made a feint of endeavouring to seize you, which would have been an affront to your understanding, and would instantly have sidled off in the direction of the plump sister. She often cried out that it wasn't fair; and it really was not. But when at last, he caught her; when, in spite of all her silken rustlings, and her rapid flutterings past him, he got her into a corner whence there was no escape; then his conduct was the most execrable. For his pretending not to know her; his pretending that it was necessary to touch her head-dress, and further to assure himself of her identity by pressing a certain ring upon her finger, and a certain chain about her neck; was vile, monstrous. No doubt she told him her opinion of it, when, another blind-man being in office, they were so very confidential together, behind the curtains.
Scrooge's niece was not one of the blind-man's buff party, but was made comfortable with a large chair and a footstool, in a snug corner, where the Ghost and Scrooge were close behind her. But she joined in the forfeits, and loved her love to admiration with all the letters of the alphabet. Likewise at the game of How, When, and Where, she was very great, and to the secret joy of Scrooge's nephew, beat her sisters hollow: though they were sharp girls too, as could have told you. There might have been twenty people there, young and old, but they all played, and so did Scrooge, for, wholly forgetting the interest he had in what was going on, that his voice made no sound in their ears, he sometimes came out with his guess quite loud, and very often guessed quite right, too; for the sharpest needle, best Whitechapel, warranted not to cut in the eye, was not sharper than Scrooge; blunt as he took it in his head to be.
The Ghost was greatly pleased to find him in this mood, and looked upon him with such favour, that he begged like a boy to be allowed to stay until the guests departed. But this the Spirit said could not be done.
`Here is a new game,' said Scrooge. `One half hour, Casper, only one.'
It was a Game called Yes and No, where Scrooge's nephew had to think of something, and the rest must find out what; he only answering to their questions yes or no, as the case was. The brisk fire of questioning to which he was exposed, elicited from him that he was thinking of an animal, a live animal, rather a disagreeable animal, a savage animal, an animal that growled and grunted sometimes, and talked sometimes, and lived in London, and walked about the streets, and wasn't made a show of, and wasn't led by anybody, and didn't live in a menagerie, and was never killed in a market, and was not a horse, or an ass, or a cow, or a bull, or a tiger, or a dog, or a pig, or a cat, or a bear. At every fresh question that was put to him, this nephew burst into a fresh roar of laughter; and was so inexpressibly tickled, that he was obliged to get up off the sofa and stamp. At last the plump sister, falling into a similar state, cried out:
`I have found it out. I know what it is, Fred. I know what it is.'
`What is it.' cried Fred.
`It's your Uncle Scrooge.'
Which it certainly was. Admiration was the universal sentiment, though some objected that the reply to `Is it a bear.' ought to have been `Yes;' inasmuch as an answer in the negative was sufficient to have diverted their thoughts from Mr Scrooge, supposing they had ever had any tendency that way.
`He has given us plenty of merriment, I am sure,' said Fred,' and it would be ungrateful not to drink his health. Here is a glass of mulled wine ready to our hand at the moment; and I say, "Uncle Scrooge."'
`Well. Uncle Scrooge.' they cried.
`A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to the old man, whatever he is.' said Scrooge's nephew. `He wouldn't take it from me, but may he have it, nevertheless. Uncle Scrooge.'
Uncle Scrooge had imperceptibly become so gay and light of heart, that he would have pledged the unconscious company in return, and thanked them in an inaudible speech, if the Ghost had given him time. But the whole scene passed off in the breath of the last word spoken by his nephew; and he and the Spirit were again upon their travels.
Much they saw, and far they went, and many homes they visited, but always with a happy end. The Spirit stood beside sick beds, and they were cheerful; on foreign lands, and they were close at home; by struggling men, and they were patient in their greater hope; by poverty, and it was rich. In almshouse, hospital, and jail, in misery's every refuge, where vain man in his little brief authority had not made fast the door and barred the Spirit out, he left his blessing, and taught Scrooge his precepts.
It was a long night, if it were only a night; but Scrooge had his doubts of this, because the Christmas Holidays appeared to be condensed into the space of time they passed together. It was strange, too, that while Scrooge remained unaltered in his outward form, the Ghost grew older, clearly older. Scrooge had observed this change, but never spoke of it, until they left a children's Twelfth Night party, when, looking at the Spirit as they stood together in an open place, he noticed that its hair was grey.
`Are spirits' lives so short.' asked Scrooge.
`My life upon this globe, is very brief,' replied the Ghost. `It ends to-night.'
`To-night.' cried Scrooge.
`To-night at midnight. Hark. The time is drawing near.'
The chimes were ringing the three quarters past eleven at that moment.
`Forgive me if I am not justified in what I ask,' said Scrooge, looking intently at the Spirit's robe,' but I see something strange, and not belonging to yourself, protruding from your skirts. Is it a foot or a claw.'
`It might be a claw, for the flesh there is upon it,' was the Spirit's sorrowful reply. `Look here.'
From the foldings of its robe, it brought two children; wretched, abject, frightful, hideous, miserable. They knelt down at its feet, and clung upon the outside of its garment.
`Oh, Man. look here. Look, look, down here.' exclaimed the Ghost.
They were a boy and a girl. Yellow, meagre, ragged, scowling, wolfish; but prostrate, too, in their humility. Where graceful youth should have filled their features out, and touched them with its freshest tints, a stale and shrivelled hand, like that of age, had pinched, and twisted them, and pulled them into shreds. Where angels might have sat enthroned, devils lurked, and glared out menacing. No change, no degradation, no perversion of humanity, in any grade, through all the mysteries of wonderful creation, has monsters half so horrible and dread.
Scrooge started back, appalled. Having them shown to him in this way, he tried to say they were fine children, but the words choked themselves, rather than be parties to a lie of such enormous magnitude.
`Casper, are they yours.' Scrooge could say no more.
`They are Man's,' said the Spirit, looking down upon them. `And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it.' cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand towards the city. `Slander those who tell it ye. Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse. And abide the end.'
`Have they no refuge or resource.' cried Scrooge.
`Are there no prisons.' said the Spirit, turning on him for the last time with his own words. `Are there no workhouses.' The bell struck twelve.
Scrooge looked about him for the Ghost, and saw it not. As the last stroke ceased to vibrate, he remembered the prediction of old Bob Marley, and lifting up his eyes, beheld a solemn Phantom, draped and hooded, coming, like a mist along the ground, towards him.

Stave 4: The Last of the Spirits

The Phantom slowly, gravely, silently approached. When it came, Scrooge bent down upon his knee; for in the very air through which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter gloom and mystery.
It was shrouded in a deep black garment, which concealed its head, its face, its form, and left nothing of it visible save one outstretched hand. But for this it would have been difficult to detach its figure from the night, and separate it from the darkness by which it was surrounded.
He felt that it was tall and stately when it came beside him, and that its mysterious presence filled him with a solemn dread. He knew no more, for the Spirit neither spoke nor moved but did manage to urinate.
`Jesus, I am in the presence of the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.' sighed Scrooge.
The Spirit answered not, but pointed onward with its hand.
`You are about to show me shadows of the things that have not happened, but will happen in the time before us,' Scrooge pursued. `Is that so, Bub, for I can read you like a book.'
The upper portion of the garment was contracted for an instant in its folds, as if the Spirit had inclined its head. That was the only answer he received.
Although well used to ghostly company by this time, Scrooge feared the silent shape so much that his legs trembled beneath him, and he found that he could hardly stand when he prepared to follow it. The Spirit pauses a moment, as observing his condition, and giving him time to recover.
But Scrooge was all the worse for this. It thrilled him with a vague uncertain horror, to know that behind the dusky shroud, there were ghostly eyes intently fixed upon him, while he, though he stretched his own to the utmost, could see nothing but a spectral hand and one great heap of black.
`Ghost of the Future.' he exclaimed,' I fear you more than any spectre I have seen. But as I know your purpose is to do me good, and as I hope to live to be another man from what I was, I am prepared to bear you company, and do it with a thankful heart. Will you not speak to me.'
It gave him no reply. The hand was pointed straight before them.
‘Ghost of the Future.’ He stuttered, ‘I fear you are Death himself.’
Still it gave no reply, the hand was still pointed.
`Lead on.' said Scrooge. `Lead on. The night is waning fast, and I’ve got better things to do, I know. Lead on, Bub.'
The Phantom moved away as it had come towards him. Scrooge followed in the shadow of its dress, which bore him up, he thought, and carried him along.
‘Bogus! This beats those Superman movies.’
They scarcely seemed to enter the city; for the city rather seemed to spring up about them, and encompass them of its own act. But there they were, in the heart of it; on Change, amongst the merchants; who hurried up and down, and chinked the money in their pockets, and conversed in groups, and looked at their watches, and trifled thoughtfully with their great gold seals; and so forth, as Scrooge had seen them often.
The Spirit stopped beside one little knot of business men. Observing that the hand was pointed to them, Scrooge advanced to listen to their talk.
`No,' said a great fat man with a monstrous chin named Kim Beazley,' I don't know much about it, either way. I only know he's carked it.'
`When did he kick the bucket.' inquired another.
`Last night, I believe.'
‘Well you can’t argue that then.’
'Well, you can, but no-one shall listen.'
`Why, what was the matter with him.' asked a third, taking a vast quantity of spliff out of a very large spliff-box. `I thought he'd never pop his clogs.'
`God knows,' said the first, with a yawn, ‘And like I give three shites?’
`What has he done with his money.' asked a red-faced gentleman with a pendulous excrescence on the end of his nose, that shook like the gills of a turkeys cock.
`I haven't heard yet, John Howard,' said the Kim Beazley with the large chin, yawning again. `Left it to his company, perhaps. He hasn't left it to me, the prick. That's all I know.'
This pleasantry was received with a general laugh.
`It's likely to be a very cheap funeral,' said the same speaker;' for upon my life I don't know of anybody to go to it. Suppose we make up a party and volunteer.'
`I don't mind going if a feed is provided,' observed the John Howard with the excrescence on his nose. `But I must be fed, if I make one to claim it as expenses.'
Another laugh, feeble this time.
`Well, I am the most disinterested among you, after all,' said the first speaker,' for I never wear black gloves, I never wash my hands after going to the WC and I never eat any lunch that my wife makes me – I usually poison cats with it. But, why the heck, I'll offer to go, if anybody else will. When I come to think of it, I’
Speakers and listeners strolled away, and mixed with other groups leaving the first speaking sprouting his guff on his own. Scrooge knew the men, and looked towards the Spirit for an explanation.
The Phantom glided on into a street as if to say don’t be looking at me chum. Its finger pointed to two persons meeting. Scrooge listened again, thinking that the explanation might lie here.
He knew these men, also, perfectly. They were men of aye business: very wealthy, and of great importance. He had made a point always of standing well in their esteem: in a business point of view, that is; strictly in a business point of view.
`How are you.' said one.
`How are you.' returned the other.
`I asked you first, you parroting bastard. Well.' said the first. `Old Scratch has got his own at last, hey.'
`So I am told, you rude bastard' returned the second. `Cold, isn't it?'
`Seasonable for Christmas time. You're not a skater, I suppose.'
`No. No. I've something else to think of, like rooting your missus. Good morning.'
Not another word. That was their meeting, their conversation, other than their farting.
Scrooge was at first inclined to be surprised that the Spirit should attach importance to conversations apparently so trivial; but feeling assured that they must have some hidden purpose, he set himself to consider what it was likely to be. They could scarcely be supposed to have any bearing on the death of Bob Marley, his old partner, for that was Past, and this Ghost's province was the Future. Nor could he think of any one immediately connected with himself, to whom he could apply them. But nothing doubting that to whomsoever they applied they had some latent moral for his own improvement, he resolved to treasure up every word he heard, and everything he saw; and especially to observe the shadow of himself when it appeared. For he had an expectation that the conduct of his future self would give him the clue he missed, and would render the solution of these riddles easy.
He looked about in that very place for his own image; but another man stood in his accustomed corner, and though the clock pointed to his usual time of day for being there, he saw no likeness of himself among the multitudes that poured in through the Porch. It gave him little surprise, however; for he had been revolving in his mind a change of life, and thought and hoped he saw his new-born resolutions carried out in this.
Quiet and dark, beside him stood the Phantom, with its outstretched hand. When he roused himself from his thoughtful quest, he fancied from the turn of the hand, and its situation in reference to himself, that the Unseen Eyes were looking at him keenly. It made him shudder, pass wind, and feel very cold.
They left the busy scene, and went into an obscure part of the town, where Scrooge had never penetrated before, although he recognised its situation, and its bad repute. The ways were foul and narrow; the shops and houses wretched; the people half-naked, drunken, slipshod, ugly. Alleys and archways, like so many cesspools, disgorged their offences of smell, and dirt, and life, upon the straggling streets; and the whole quarter reeked with crime, with filth, and misery.
Far in this den of infamous resort, there was a low-browed, beetling shop, below a pent-house roof, where iron, old rags, bottles, bones, and greasy offal, were bought and made into meat pies, for the shop was named Villis. Upon the floor within, were piled up heaps of rusty keys, nails, chains, hinges, files, scales, weights, and refuse iron of all kinds. Secrets that few would like to scrutinise were bred and hidden in mountains of unseemly rags, masses of corrupted fat, and sepulchres of bones. Sitting in among the wares he dealt in, by a charcoal stove, made of old bricks, was a grey-haired rascal, nearly seventy years of age; who had screened himself from the cold air without, by a frousy curtaining of miscellaneous tatters, hung upon a line; and smoked his pipe in all the luxury of calm retirement.
Scrooge and the Phantom came into the presence of this man, just as a woman with a heavy bundle slunk into the shop. But she had scarcely entered, when another woman, similarly laden, came in too; and she was closely followed by a man in faded black, who was no less startled by the sight of them, than they had been upon the recognition of each other. After a short period of blank astonishment, in which the old man with the pipe had joined them one experienced flatulence, they all three burst into a laugh.
`You filthy pig, let the charwoman alone to be the first.' cried she who had entered first. `Let the laundress alone to be the second; and let the undertaker's man alone to be the third. Look here, old Joe, here's a chance. If we haven't all three met here without meaning it.'
`You couldn't have met in a better place, except maybe in the lobby of the Hyatt' said old Joe, removing his pipe from his mouth. `Come into the parlour. You were made free of it long ago, you know; and the other two ain't strangers. Stop till I shut the door of the shop. Ah. How it reeks. There ain't such a rusty bit of metal in the place as its own hinges, I believe; and I'm sure there's no such old bones here, as mine. Ha, ha. We're all suitable to our calling, we're well matched. Come into the parlour. Come into the parlour.'
‘Ok, ok you stupid auld fool, we heard you the first time.’
The parlour was the space behind the screen of rags. The old man raked the fire together with an old dogs rod, and having trimmed his smoky lamp (for it was night), with the stem of his pipe, put it in his mouth again.
While he did this, the woman who had already spoken dropped her guts on the floor, and sat down in a flaunting manner on the stool; crossing her elbows on her knees, and looking with a bold defiance at the other two.
`What odds then. What odds, Mrs Dilber, three to one?' said the woman. `Every person has a right to take care of themselves. He always did.'
`That's true, indeed but three to one my arse.' said the laundress.
`Why then, don't stand staring as if you was afraid, woman; who's the wiser. We're not going to piss in each other's pockets, I suppose.'
`No, indeed.' said Mrs Dilber and the man together. `We should hope not.'
`Very well, then.' cried the woman. `That's enough. Who's the worse for the loss of a few things like these. Not a dead man, I suppose.'
`No, indeed,' said Mrs Dilber, laughing, ‘It’s not like he’s going to miss them is he?’
`If he wanted to keep them after he was dead, then tough shit,' pursued the woman,' why wasn't he natural in his lifetime. If he had been, he'd have had somebody to look after him when he was struck with Death, instead of lying gasping out his last there, alone by himself.'
`It's the truest word that ever was spoke,' said Mrs Dilber. `It's a judgment on him.'
`I wish it was a little heavier judgment,' replied the woman;' and it should have been, you may depend upon it, if I could have laid my hands on anything else. Open that bundle, old Joe, and let me know the value of it. Speak out plain. I'm not afraid to be the first, nor afraid for them to see it. We know pretty well that we were helping ourselves, before we met here, I believe. It's no sin. Open the bundle, Joe.'
‘May I ask, are we not just as bad as he?’
But the gallantry of her friends would not allow of this; and the man in faded black, mounting the breach first, produced his plunder. It was not extensive. A seal or two, a pencil-case, a pair of sleeve-buttons, and a brooch of no great value, were all. They were severally examined and appraised by old Joe, who chalked the sums he was disposed to give for each, upon the wall, and added them up into a total when he found there was nothing more to come.
‘That’s it?’
`That's your account,' said Joe,' and I wouldn't give another sixpence, if I was to be boiled for not doing it. My favorite album of 1971 was Who's Next.'
Mrs Dilber was next. Sheets and towels, a little wearing apparel, two old-fashioned silver teaspoons, a pair of sugar-tongs, and a few boots. Her account was stated on the wall in the same manner.
`I always give too much to ladies. It's a weakness of mine, and that's the way I ruin myself,' said old Joe. `That's your account. If you asked me for another penny, and made it an open question, I'd repent of being so liberal and knock off half-a-crown.'
`And now undo my bundle, Joe,' said the first woman.
Joe went down on his knees for the greater convenience of opening it, and having unfastened a great many knots, dragged out a large and heavy roll of some dark stuff.
`What do you call this.' said Joe. `Bed-curtains.'
`Ah.' returned the woman, laughing and leaning forward on her crossed arms. `Great. Frigging bed-curtains.'
`You don't mean to say you took them down, rings and all, with him lying there.' said Joe.
`Yes I do,' replied the woman. `Why not? He didn’t complain'
`You were born to make your fortune,' said Joe,' and you'll certainly do it.'
`I certainly shan't hold my hand, when I can get anything in it by reaching it out, for the sake of such a man as he was, I promise you, Joe,' returned the woman coolly. `Don't drop that oil upon the blankets, now.'
`His blankets.' asked Joe, vacantly.
`Whose else's do you think.' replied the woman. `He isn't likely to take cold without them, I dare say.'
`I hope he didn't die of any thing catching. Eh.' said old Joe, stopping in his work, and looking up.
`Don't you be afraid of that,' returned the woman. `I an't so fond of his company that I'd loiter about him for such things, if he did. Ah. you may look through that shit till your eyes ache; but you won't find a hole in it, nor a threadbare place. It's the best he had, and a fine one too. They'd have wasted it, if it hadn't been for me.'
`What do you call wasting of it.' asked old Joe, ‘Giving it to people who don’t steal from the dead?’
`Putting it on him to be buried in, to be sure,' replied the woman with a laugh. `Somebody was fool enough to do it, but I took it off again. If calico an't good enough for such a purpose, it isn't good enough for anything. It's quite as becoming to the body. He can't look uglier than he did in that one.'
Scrooge listened to this dialogue in horror. As they sat grouped about their spoil, in the scanty light afforded by the old man's lamp, he viewed them with a detestation and disgust, which could hardly have been greater, though they demons, marketing the corpse itself.
`Ha, ha.' laughed the same woman, when old Joe, producing a flannel bag with money in it, told out their several gains upon the ground. `This is the end of it, you see. He frightened every one away from him when he was alive, to profit us when he was dead. Ha, ha, ha.'
`Ghost Who Walks.' said Scrooge, shuddering from head to foot as realization fell upon him. `I see, I see. The case of this unhappy man might be my own. My life tends that way, now. Merciful Heaven, what is this.'
He recoiled in terror and leapt, for the scene had changed, and now he almost touched a bed: a bare, uncurtained bed: on which, beneath a ragged sheet, there lay a something covered up, which, though it was dumb, announced itself in awful language.
‘No, no it cannot be....’
The room was very dark, too dark to be observed with any accuracy, though Scrooge glanced round it in obedience to a secret impulse, anxious to know what kind of room it was. A pale light, rising in the outer air, fell straight upon the bed; and on it, plundered and bereft, unwatched, unwept, uncared for, was the body of this man.
Scrooge glanced towards the Phantom. Its steady hand was pointed to the head. The cover was so carelessly adjusted that the slightest raising of it, the motion of a finger upon Scrooge's part, would have disclosed the face. He thought of it, felt how easy it would be to do, and longed to do it; but had no more power to withdraw the veil than to dismiss the spectre at his side.
Oh cold, cold, rigid, dreadful Death, set up thine altar here, and dress it with such terrors as thou hast at thy command: for this is thy dominion. But of the loved, revered, and honoured head, thou canst not turn one hair to thy dread purposes, or make one feature odious. It is not that the hand is heavy and will fall down when released; it is not that the heart and pulse are still; but that the hand was open, generous, and true; the heart brave, warm, and tender; and the pulse a man's. Strike, Shadow, strike. And see his good deeds springing from the wound, to sow the world with life immortal.
No voice pronounced these words in Scrooge's ears, and yet he heard them when he looked upon the bed. He thought, if this man could be raised up now, what would be his foremost thoughts. Avarice, hard-dealing, griping cares. They have brought him to a rich end, truly.
He lay, in the dark empty house, with not a man, a woman, or a child, to say that he was kind to me in this or that, and for the memory of one kind word I will be kind to him. A cat was tearing at the door, and there was a sound of gnawing rats beneath the hearth-stone. What they wanted in the room of death, and why they were so restless and disturbed, Scrooge did not dare to think and he wept.
`Ghost Who Walks.' he said,' this is a fearful place. In leaving it, I shall not leave its lesson, trust me. Let us get the hell out of Dodge.'
Still the Ghost pointed with an unmoved finger to the head.
`I understand you,' Scrooge returned,' and I would do it, if I could. But I have not the power, Ghost Who Walks. I have not the power, and I shant do your bidding.'
Again it seemed to look upon him.
`If there is any person in the town, who feels emotion caused by this man's death,' said Scrooge quite agonised, `show that person to me, Ghost Who Walks, I beseech you.'
The Phantom spread its dark robe before him for a moment, like a wing; and withdrawing it, revealed a room by daylight, where a mother and her children were.
She was expecting some one, and with anxious eagerness; for she walked up and down the room; started at every sound; looked out from the window; glanced at the clock; tried, but in vain, to work with her needle; and could hardly bear the voices of the children in their play.
At length the long-expected knock was heard. She hurried to the door, and met her husband; a man whose face was careworn and depressed, though he was young. There was a remarkable expression in it now; a kind of serious delight of which he felt ashamed, and which he struggled to repress.
He sat down to the dinner that had been boarding for him by the fire; and when she asked him faintly what news (which was not until after a long silence), he appeared embarrassed how to answer.
`Is it good.' she said, `or bad?' -- to help him.
`Worse than bad,' he answered.
`We are quite ruined.'
`Yep, we’re pretty much screwed. But there is hope yet, Caroline.'
`If he relents,' she said, amazed, `there is. Nothing is past hope, if such a miracle has happened.'
`He is past relenting,' said her husband. `He snuffed it.'
She was a mild and patient creature if her face spoke truth; but she was thankful in her soul to hear it, and she said so, with clasped hands. She prayed forgiveness the next moment, and was sorry; but the first was the emotion of her heart.
`What the half-drunken woman whom I told you of last night, said to me, when I tried to see him and obtain a week's delay; and what I thought was a mere excuse to avoid me; turns out to have been quite true. He was not only very ill, but dying, then.'
`To whom will our debt be transferred.'
‘I’m buggered if I know. But before that time we shall be ready with the money; and even though we were not, it would be a bad fortune indeed to find so merciless a creditor in his successor. We may sleep to-night with light hearts, Caroline.'
Yes. Soften it as they would, as soft as their heads were, their hearts were lighter. The children's faces, hushed and clustered round to hear what they so little understood, were brighter; and it was a happier house for this man's death. The only emotion that the Ghost could show him, caused by the event, was one of pleasure.
`Let me see some tenderness connected with a death,' said Scrooge;' or that dark chamber, Ghost Who Walks, which we left just now, will be for ever present to me.'
The Ghost conducted him through several streets familiar to his feet; and as they went along, Scrooge looked here and there to find himself, but nowhere was he to be seen. They entered poor Bob Crackshite's house; the dwelling he had visited before; and found the mother and the children seated round the fire.
Quiet. Very quiet. The noisy little Crackshites were as still as statues in one corner, and sat looking up at Peter, who had a book before him. The mother and her daughters were engaged in sewing. But surely they were very quiet.
`And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them.'
Where had Scrooge heard those words. He had not dreamed them. The boy must have read them out, as he and the Spirit crossed the threshold. Why did he not go on.
The mother laid her work upon the table, and put her hand up to her face.
`The colour hurts my eyes,' she said.
The colour. Ah, poor Tiny Tim.
`They're better now again,' said Crackshite's wife. `It makes them weak by candle-light; and I wouldn't show weak eyes to your father when he comes home, for the world. It must be near his time.'
`Past it rather,' Peter answered, shutting up his book. `But I think he has walked a little slower than he used, these few last evenings, mother.'
They were very quiet again. At last she said, and in a steady, cheerful voice, that only faltered once:
`I have known him walk with -- I have known him walk with Tiny Tim upon his shoulder, very fast indeed.'
`And so have I,' cried Peter. `Often.'
`And so have I,' exclaimed another. So had all.
`But he was very light to carry,' she resumed, intent upon her work,' and his father loved him so, that it was no trouble: no trouble. And there is your father at the door.'
She hurried out to meet him; and little Bob in his comforter -- he had need of it, poor fellow -- came in. His tea was ready for him on the hob, and they all tried who should help him to it most. Then the two young Crackshites got upon his knees and laid, each child a little cheek, against his face, as if they said,' Don't mind it, father. Don't be grieved.'
Bob was very cheerful with them, and spoke pleasantly to all the family. He looked at the work upon the table, and praised the industry and speed of Mrs Crackshite and the girls. They would be done long before Sunday, he said.
`Sunday. You went to-day, then, Robert.' said his wife.
`Yes, my dear,' returned Bob. `I wish you could have gone. It would have done you good to see how green a place it is. But you'll see it often. I promised him that I would walk there on a Sunday. My little, little child.' cried Bob. `My little child.'
He broke down all at once. He couldn't help it. If he could have helped it, he and his child would have been farther apart perhaps than they were.
He left the room, and went up-stairs into the room above, which was lighted cheerfully, and hung with Christmas. There was a chair set close beside the child, and there were signs of some one having been there, lately. Poor Bob sat down in it, and when he had thought a little and composed himself, he kissed the little face. He was reconciled to what had happened, and went down again quite happy.
They drew about the fire, and talked; the girls and mother working still. Bob told them of the extraordinary kindness of Mr Scrooge's nephew, whom he had scarcely seen but once, and who, meeting him in the street that day, and seeing that he looked a little -' just a little down you know,' said Bob, inquired what had happened to distress him. `On which,' said Bob,' for he is the pleasantest-spoken gentleman you ever heard, I told him. `I am heartily sorry for it, Mr Crackshite,' he said,' and heartily sorry for your good wife.' By the bye, how he ever knew that, I don't know.'
`Knew what, my dear.'
`Why, that you were a good wife,' replied Bob.
`Everybody knows that.' said Peter.
`Very well observed, my boy.' cried Bob. `I hope they do. `Heartily sorry,' he said,' for your good wife. If I can be of service to you in any way,' he said, giving me his card,' that's where I live. Pray come to me.' Now, it wasn't,' cried Bob,' for the sake of anything he might be able to do for us, so much as for his kind way, that this was quite delightful. It really seemed as if he had known our Tiny Tim, and felt with us.'
`I'm sure he's a good soul.' said Mrs Crackshite.
`You would be surer of it, my dear,' returned Bob,' if you saw and spoke to him. I shouldn't be at all surprised - mark what I say. -- if he got Peter a better situation.'
`Only hear that, Peter,' said Mrs Crackshite.
`And then,' cried one of the girls,' Peter will be keeping company with some one, and setting up for himself.'
`Get along with you.' retorted Peter, grinning.
`It's just as likely as not,' said Bob,' one of these days; though there's plenty of time for that, my dear. But however and when ever we part from one another, I am sure we shall none of us forget poor Tiny Tim -- shall we -- or this first parting that there was among us.'
`Never, father.' cried they all.
`And I know,' said Bob,' I know, my dears, that when we recollect how patient and how mild he was; although he was a little, little child; we shall not quarrel easily among ourselves, and forget poor Tiny Tim in doing it.'
`No, never, father.' they all cried again.
`I am very happy,' said little Bob,' I am very happy.'
Mrs Crackshite kissed him, his daughters kissed him, the two young Crackshites kissed him, and Peter and himself shook hands. Spirit of Tiny Tim, thy childish essence was a Gift from God.
`Spectre,' said Scrooge,' something informs me that our parting moment is at hand. I know it, but I know not how. Tell me what man that was whom we saw lying dead.'
The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come conveyed him, as before -- though at a different time, he thought: indeed, there seemed no order in these latter visions, save that they were in the Future -- into the resorts of business men, but showed him not himself. Indeed, the Spirit did not stay for anything, but went straight on, as to the end just now desired, until besought by Scrooge to tarry for a moment.
`This courts,' said Scrooge,' through which we hurry now, is where my place of occupation is, and has been for a length of time. I see the house. Let me behold what I shall be, in days to come.'
The Spirit stopped; the hand was pointed elsewhere.
`The house is yonder,' Scrooge exclaimed. `Why do you point away? Why do I persist in asking questions when I know that you won’t answer? Why am I talking to myself?'
The inexorable finger underwent no change.
Scrooge hastened to the window of his office, and looked in. It was an office still, but not his. The furniture was not the same, and the figure in the chair was not himself. The Phantom pointed as before.
He joined it once again, and wondering why and whither he had gone, accompanied it until they reached an iron gate. He paused to look round before entering.
A churchyard. Here, then, the wretched man whose name he had now to learn, lay underneath the ground. It was a worthy place. Walled in by houses; overrun by grass and weeds, the growth of vegetation's death, not life; choked up with too much burying; fat with repleted appetite. A worthy place.
The Spirit stood among the graves, and pointed down to One. He advanced towards it trembling. The Phantom was exactly as it had been, but he dreaded that he saw new meaning in its solemn shape.
`Before I draw nearer to that stone to which you point,' said Scrooge, `answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of things that May be, only.'
Still the Ghost pointed downward to the grave by which it stood.
`You shall answer me or you shall feel my wrath. Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead,' said Scrooge. `But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change. Say it is thus with what you show me.'
The Spirit was immovable as ever.
Scrooge crept towards it, trembling as he went; and following the finger, read upon the stone of the neglected grave his own name, Ebenezer Scrooge.
`Am I that man who lay upon the bed.' he cried, upon his knees.
The finger pointed from the grave to him, and back again.
`No, Spirit. Oh no, this cannot happen.'
The finger still was there.
`Ghost Who Walks.' he cried, tight clutching at its robe,' hear me. I am not the man I was. I will not be the man I must have been but for this intercourse. Why show me this, if I am past all hope.'
For the first time the hand appeared to shake.
`Good Spirit,' he pursued, as down upon the ground he fell before it:' Your nature intercedes for me, and pities me. Assure me that I yet may change these shadows you have shown me, by an altered life.'
The kind hand trembled.
`I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me I may sponge away the writing on this stone.'
In his agony, he caught the spectral hand. It sought to free itself, but he was strong in his entreaty, and detained it. The Spirit, stronger yet, repulsed him.
Holding up his hands in a last prayer to have his fate aye reversed, he saw an alteration in the Phantom's hood and dress. It shrunk, collapsed, and dwindled down into a bedpost.

Stave 5: The End of It

Yes! and the bedpost was his own. The bed was his own, the room was his own, the underwear, soiled as it was, was his his own. Best and happiest of all, the Time before him was his own, to make amends in!
`I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.' Scrooge repeated, as he scrambled out of bed. `The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. Oh Bob Marley. Heaven, and the Christmas Time be praised for this. I say it on my knees, old Bob, I shall fall to my knees and face the wall and start to pray until the tears roll down from my eyes.'
He was so fluttered and so glowing with his good intentions, that his broken voice would scarcely answer to his call. He had been sobbing violently in his conflict with the Spirit, and his face was wet with tears.
`They are not torn down.' cried Scrooge, folding one of his bed-curtains in his arms,' they are not torn down, rings and all. They are here -- I am here -- the shadows of the things that would have been, may be dispelled. They will be. I know they will.'
His hands were busy with his garments all this time; turning them inside out, putting them on upside down, tearing them, mislaying them, making them parties to every kind of extravagance.
`I don't know what to do - I can't find my Frankie Goes To Hollywood CDs.' cried Scrooge, laughing and crying in the same breath; and making a perfect Laocoon of himself with his stockings. `I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a schoolboy. I am as giddy as a drunken man. I’m pissed as a parrot. A merry Christmas to everybody. A happy New Year to all the world. Hallo here. Whoop. Hallo.'
He had frisked into the sitting-room, and was now standing there: perfectly winded.
`There's the saucepan that the gruel was in.' cried Scrooge, starting off again, and going round the fireplace. `There's the door, by which the Ghost of Bob Marley entered. There's the corner where the Ghost of Christmas Present, sat. There's the window where I saw the wandering Spirits. It's all right, it's all true, it all happened. Ha ha ha.'
Really, for a man who had been out of practice for so many years, it was a splendid laugh, a most illustrious laugh. The father of a long, long line of brilliant laughs.
`I don't know what day of the month it is and I couldn’t give a fat rats arse either.' said Scrooge. `I don't know how long I've been among the Spirits. I don't know anything. I’m stoned out of my skull. I'm quite a baby. Never mind. I don't care. I'd rather be a baby. Hallo. Whoop. Hallo here.'
He was checked in his transports by the churches ringing out the lustiest peals he had ever heard. Clash, clang, hammer; ding, dong, bell. Bell, dong, ding; hammer, clang, clash. Oh, glorious, glorious.
Running to the window, he opened it, and put out his head. No fog, no mist; clear, bright, jovial, stirring, cold; cold, piping for the blood to dance to; Golden sunlight; Heavenly sky; sweet fresh air; merry bells. Oh, glorious. Glorious.
`What's to-day.' cried Scrooge, calling downward to a boy in Sunday clothes, who perhaps had loitered in to look about him.
`Eh.' returned the boy, with all his might of wonder.
`What's to-day, you deaf twat.' said Scrooge.
`It’s goddamned, Christmas!' replied Gary Busey, shooting a television screen out.
`Godamned Christmas Day.' said Scrooge to himself. `I haven't missed it. The Spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can. Of course they can, except maybe put something decent on the TV during the non-ratings season. Hallo, my fine fellow.'
`Hallo.' returned the boy, ‘Are you on drugs?’
`Do you know the Poulterer's, in the next street but one, at the corner.' Scrooge inquired.
`I should hope I did,' replied the lad ‘I broke the windows there just last night.’
`An intelligent boy.' said Scrooge. `A remarkable boy. Do you know whether they've sold the prize Turkey that was hanging up there -- Not the little prize Turkey: the big one.'
`What, the one as big as me.' returned the boy.
`What a delightful boy.' said Scrooge. `It's a pleasure to talk to him. Yes, my buck.'
`It's hanging there now,' replied the boy.
`Is it.' said Scrooge. `Go and buy it.'
`Wanker!' exclaimed the boy ‘And what, pray sir, am I do purchase it with? Gravel?’
`No, no,' said Scrooge, `I am in earnest. Go and buy it, and tell them to bring it here, that I may give them the direction where to take it. Come back with the man, and I'll give you a shilling. Come back with him in less than five minutes and I'll give you half-a-crown.'
The boy was off like a shot put of a gun. He must have had a steady hand at a trigger who could have got a shot off half so fast.
`I'll send it to Bob Crackshite's.' whispered Scrooge, rubbing his hands, and splitting with a laugh. `I shall bill him later and he shan't know who sends it. It's twice the size of Tiny Tim. Joe Miller never made such a joke as sending it to Bob's will be.'
The hand in which he wrote the address was not a steady one, but write it he did, somehow, and went down-stairs to open the street door, ready for the coming of the poulterer's man. As he stood there, waiting his arrival, a set of knockers on his neighbour caught his eye.
`I shall love it, as long as I live.' cried Scrooge, patting them with his hand. `I scarcely ever looked at them before. What an honest expression you have on your face. They’re wonderful knockers. -- Here's the Turkey. Hallo. Whoop. How are you. Merry Christmas.'
‘Siarrah, you are surely on acid.’
It was a Turkey. He never could have stood upon his legs, that bird. He would have snapped them short off in a minute, like sticks of sealing-wax.
`Why, it's impossible to carry that to Camden Town,' said Scrooge. `You must have a cab.'
The chuckle with which he said this, and the chuckle with which he paid for the Turkey, and the chuckle with which he paid for the cab, and the chuckle with which he recompensed the boy, were only to be exceeded by the chuckle with which he sat down breathless in his chair again, and chuckled till he cried and snot ran down his face.
Urinating was not an easy task, for his hand continued to shake very much; and urinating requires attention, even when you don't dance while you are at it. But if he had splashed the end of his shows, he would have wiped it on the cat, and been quite satisfied.
He dressed himself all in his best, and at last got out into the streets. The people were by this time pouring forth, as he had seen them with the Ghost of Christmas Present; and walking with his hands behind him, Scrooge regarded every one with a delighted smile. He looked so irresistibly pleasant, in a word, that three or four good-humoured fellows said,' Good morning, sir. A merry Christmas to you.'
‘Be buggered, the man must have been sniffing the gas all night.’
And Scrooge said often afterwards, that of all the blithe sounds he had ever heard, those were the blithest in his ears.
He had not gone far, when coming on towards him he beheld the portly gentleman, who had walked into his counting-house the day before, and said,' Scrooge and Bob Marley's, I believe.' It sent a pang across his heart to think how this old gentleman would look upon him when they met; but he knew what path lay straight before him, and he took it.
`My dear sir,' said Scrooge, quickening his pace, and taking the old gentleman by both his hands. `How do you do. I hope you succeeded yesterday. It was very kind of you. A merry Christmas to you, sir.'
`Mr Scrooge are you alright?'
`Yes,' said Scrooge. `That is my name and do not wear it out, and I fear it may not be pleasant to you. Allow me to ask your pardon. And will you have the goodness' -- here Scrooge whispered in his ear.
`Lord bless me.' cried the gentleman, as if his breath were taken away. `My dear Mr Scrooge, are you serious or merely taking the piss?'
`If you please,' said Scrooge. `Not a farthing less. A great many back-payments are included in it, I assure you. Will you do me that favour.'
`My dear sir,' said the other, shaking hands with him. `I don't know what to say to such munificence except that you’re not getting this back in a hurry and whatever you're smoking I'll grab half an ounce.'
`Don't say anything please,' retorted Scrooge. `Come and see me. Will you come and see me.'
`I will.' cried the old gentleman. And it was clear he meant to do it, ‘But I am hetrosexual and there are some things that I will not do for money.’
`Thank you,' said Scrooge. `I am much obliged to you. I thank you fifty times. Bless you. Now bugger off'
He went to church, and walked about the streets, and watched the people hurrying to and fro, and patted children on the head, and questioned beggars, and looked down into the kitchens of houses, and up to the windows, and found that everything could yield him pleasure. He had never dreamed that any walk -- that anything -- could give him so much happiness. In the afternoon he turned his steps towards his nephew's house.
He passed the door a dozen times, before he had the courage to go up and knock. But he made a dash, and did it:
`Is your master at home, my dear.' said Scrooge to the girl. Nice girl. Very.
`Yes, sir but I am not working today of all days.'
`Where is he, my love.' said Scrooge.
`He's in the dining-room, sir, along with his mistress. I'll show you up-stairs, if you please.'
`Thank you. He knows me, or at least he’d bloody well better' said Scrooge, with his hand already on the dining-room lock. `I'll go in here, my dear.'
He turned it gently, and sidled his face in, round the door. They were looking at the table (which was spread out in great array); for these young housekeepers are always nervous on such points, and like to see that everything is right.
`Fred.' said Scrooge.
Dear heart alive, how his niece by marriage started. Scrooge had forgotten, for the moment, about her sitting in the corner with the footstool, or he wouldn't have done it, on any account.
`Holy shit!' cried Fred,' who the hell is that.'
`It's I you ignorant swine. Your uncle Scrooge. I have come to dinner. Will you let me in, Fred.'
‘Fark, I guess so, it’s not like I have a great choice as you own the joint.’
Let him in. It is a mercy he didn't tear his arm off and beat him around the head with the bloody end. He was at home in five minutes. Nothing could be heartier. His niece looked just the same. So did Topper when he came. So did the plump sister when she came. So did every one when they came. Wonderful party, wonderful games, wonderful unanimity, wonderful orgy, wonderful happiness.
But he was early at the office next morning. Oh, he was early there. If he could only be there first, and catch Bob Crackshite coming late. That was the thing he had set his heart upon.
And he did it; yes, he did. The clock struck nine. No Bob. A quarter past. No Bob. He was full eighteen minutes and a half behind his time. Scrooge sat with his door wide open, that he might see him come into the Tank.
His hat was off, before he opened the door; his comforter too. He was on his stool in a jiffy; driving away with his pen, as if he were trying to overtake nine o'clock.
`Hallo.' growled Scrooge, in his accustomed voice, as near as he could feign it. `What do you mean by coming here at this time of day.'
`Jaysus. I am very sorry, sir,' said Bob, startled. `I am behind my time.'
`You are.' repeated Scrooge. `Yes. I think you are. Step this way, sir, if you please.'
`It's only once a year, sir,' pleaded Bob, appearing from the Tank. `It shall not be repeated. I was pissed as a little beetle yesterday, sir.'
`Now, I'll tell you what, my friend,' said Scrooge,' I am not going to stand this sort of thing any longer. And therefore,' he continued, leaping from his stool, and giving Bob such a dig in the waistcoat that he staggered back into the Tank again;' and therefore I am about to raise your salary.'
Bob trembled, and got a little nearer to the ruler. He had a momentary idea of knocking Scrooge down with it, holding him, and calling to the people in the court for help and a strait-waistcoat and then giving him a decent kicking.
`A merry Christmas, Bob,' said Scrooge, with an earnestness that could not be mistaken, as he clapped him on the back. `A merrier Christmas, Bob, my good fellow, than I have given you for many a year. I'll raise your salary, and endeavour to assist your struggling family, and we will discuss your affairs this very afternoon, over a Christmas bowl of smoking bishop, Bob. Make up the fires, and buy another coal-scuttle before you dot another i, Bob Crackshite.'
‘I think you’d best lay off the grass pal.’
Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Tim, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.
He had no further intercourse with Spirits but he did with several ladies of the town, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!

The End